Friday, December 18, 2009

Not how I want my story to end

These songs are all about drugs, but they express how I feel about my eating disorder.

I have binged on eggnog and buttered bread multiple times this week. I'm feeling a real loss of control in life, a side effect of all the (positive) changes going on. I've been pushing myself a lot in terms of making hard phone calls and just dealing with hard painful shit and trying not to lose my mind. I don't seem to be winning that battle at the moment. I've slammed my head into the wall twice now. That was something I had really hoped was behind me (although, it is the back of my head that I jerk backwards into the wall.) I know how dangerous and destructive it is, but my anxiety just gets so bad I have to do *something* to bring myself back down to reality, back to a physical reality. I've pinched my arms black and blue this week, and I had muscle tics so bad the other night while running errands I hurt my shoulder from the severity.

I have a feeling everything will be better in a couple weeks. Little Man will be attending his new school; I'll have full internet function (instead of the neighbor's wifi, which I am stealing by sitting in the yard in the rain, with an umbrella between my knees as I type this); I'll be more used to the idea of living with another adult. Specifically a male one.

I don't want to have to talk about my eating disorder with him. It's such an ugly thing. Sometimes I feel very removed.

Goodnight my dear, beloved Anteaters and online friends. I have felt too ugly the past few days to seriously consider a video. I hate what my brain does to my mind. Mental illness fucking SUCKS.

I'm gonna call the doctor and find out if we need to up my pills or change them or *what* but I don't wanna get so skinny I'm ugly again. I don't want to eat through my new dental work with bile. I don't want to exercise till I tear a muscle, or get shin splints, or collapse. I don't want to live on energy drinks, weed, and cigarettes again. I don't want to weigh my worth as a human being on a fucking bathroom scale. But I don't wanna go a pound over 110 either. This blows, but I'm hoping being real about all of this with all of you will help keep me acountable for not screwing up my life again. You can remind me how much I have to live for, and that I'm not just a body, and that I have to stay healthy so I can live, for my kid. You won't be like my mom and just let me starve myself to death in front of your eyes.