Monday, December 28, 2009

Last to First

Tomorrow can't come soon enough. Stupid holidays. It took a week between my phone call to the doctor saying, "I'm having bad reactions to these psychiatric medications" till my actual appointment tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. (Trapped in a crappy lobby for hours! Last time I didn't get called till 2.5 hours after my appointment time. Times like these, I seriously fucking miss my company Blackberry.)

Still, a visit is long overdue and desperately needed. I slammed my right temple into a wall stud today, hard as I could. It helped a little, but I still feel panicky and insane. I keep "seeing" visions of me stabbing myself in the chest with a huge kitchen knife, or else breaking the top off a glass and grinding the jagged edges into my jugular. Not pleasant.

I purged in a restaurant bathroom last night over the desert course, after a tablemate jokingly commented on the speed I eat, "like you're afraid I'm gonna take it from you!" I immediately dropped my spoon, excused myself, and shoved a pen down my throat over and over, till the peanut butter pie, cinnamon apples, grilled chicken, and onion rings all came up. A little girl was in the next stall with her mom ("I can do it myself!") and after a few minutes of listening to my retching she asked her mom what was going on. The mom covered for me, "She's not feeling well." I dried my eyes, blew my nose, and wiped the vomit off the seat with toilet paper.

They stood at the sink next to me as we washed our hands. I told the girl, "You're very pretty" and I wanted to tell her mom to never ever ever let anyone tell her daughter otherwise, or else she could end up puking in a family restaurant bathroom at 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

This video has imagery that may be triggering for people who binge, purge, restrict, or cut. For me, it just makes me feel like I'm not alone, like someone understands what it's like to be physically skinny or even underweight and still feel too fat to be allowed to exist.

I love you all. Thank you for not abandoning me even when I'm doing something so ugly.