Tuesday, September 29, 2009

100 Questions

Can you believe it? I've only been working on this post since 7:30 this morning (minus a few meals and potty breaks), and here it is: the completed, embedded, linked, and seriously pondered 100 New Questions for Christians. I've organized the questions into sequences where applicable, and tried to do things by general category (creationism, morality, WWJD, etc.) In other words, just because you read the last post doesn't mean you should jump down to the very bottom of this one. There are new goodies and jollies all through this list. Enjoy!

I do suggest you take a few hours or a few days to go through the whole list. Just about each one has further links or a video with it. These are a mix of absurd things that are fun to laugh at, shameless promotion of totally unrelated things I find amusing, and the questions that I think would have worked for me.

  1. If homosexuality is a sin, are gay dolphins sinning?

  2. Which is a bigger sin, passing out drunk and naked to be either seen by and/or sexed by your kids OR walking in on your dad while he's passed out drunk and naked, and seeing the twigs and berries?
  3. What Would Jesus Do?

  4. What would Jesus NOT do?

  5. Who would Jesus torture?
  6. If god is better than we are, how come we can think up unicorns but he can’t make them?
  7. Same with mermaids.
  8. Did Jesus have acne as a teenager? Please explain.
  9. Why is the Brick Testament the best version of the bible?
  10. Why is christian music so painfully square?
  11. Is it better to be right or popular?
  12. Should god be put on trial for crimes against humanity?
  13. What are some contradictions in the Bible? Please list no fewer than 3. (or was it 5?)

  14. Why waste Jesus' meager 3 miracle years on earth with petty tricks like turning water to wine and cursing a fig tree?
  15. Why not water into scotch? Or bourbon? Or beer?
  16. What does God have against pillows?
  17. Why is god dependent on human translation efforts to spread his message?
  18. Will we have sex in heaven?

    (Apparently I never get sick of this song - classic for a reason.)
  19. Will we masturbate in heaven? (This isn't a poe. I know people in this program. *facepalm*)
  20. Will we have competitive eating contests in heaven?
  21. How many people do you personally know that you think god is sending to hell?
  22. Doesn't that just suck?
  23. Will we learn new things, write new stories, sing new songs in heaven? (I love this song.)

  24. How the heck do you know what heaven's gonna be like? You've never been there!
  25. Did teenage Jesus wake up with a boner every morning? (Sent in from a Christian reader - thanks!)
  26. Why do you think we have rainbows? (Please say Noah, please say Noah)
  27. Are you practicing another religion - going a-whoring - if you do yoga? Meditate? Decorate with feng shui?
  28. Have you ever talked back to your parents, or have your kids ever talked back to you? Well, the Bible is pretty clear: it's stoning time!
  29. If Jesus saves us from sins, shouldn't we sin so his act doesn't go to waste?
  30. What if Satan's the good one and you're worshiping the wrong guy, because the Bible led you astray?
  31. What is Satan's motive to hurt or harm people, when doing that will only make his opponent more desirable in the Battle For Souls?
  32. Will you see/hear/think of your friends roasting in hell while you're in heaven? If not, why not? If so, how could you possibly enjoy heaven knowing loved ones are being tortured FOREVER?
  33. Are you familiar with the term "confirmation bias"?

  34. If Jesus said you could move a mountain with faith as small as a mustard seed, why do faith healers wear glasses?
  35. If Christians can move mountains with their faith, why have mountain top removal and dynamite?
  36. For literalists: Why does the Bible have to be interpreted literally to have value?
  37. How do you know St. Paul was really inspired by God and not just crazy? What if he turned god's own plan for salvation into something completely different? Could that explain god's apparent personality change between the Old and New Testaments?
  38. If god supposedly loves humans why has he killed so many people?

  39. For Catholics/Methodists/Episcopalians: Instead of doing a tiny amount every Sunday over and over, why can't all the priests get together and bless all the water in the oceans into Holy Water once and for all?
  40. How do you know if a voice in your head is God, Satan, or your own thoughts?
  41. Would you obey God no matter what he asked you to do?

  42. For creationists: Should we teach the controversy for all subjects, or just biology?
  43. Is it really a "sacrifice" to die for a couple days, in exchange for godhood, immortality, and billions of people worshiping you and martyring themselves for you?

  44. How is the torture Jesus suffered at the hands of the Romans (assuming for arguments sake that he did) any greater or more noble or crueler than what the US government has done to devout Muslims and other "enemy combatants"?
  45. Why is Jesus' story so strikingly similar to those of other messiahs and demigods?
  46. Why would an all-powerful, all-loving god allow this kind of global imbalance?>nce? Or this kind? (Remember Christians - if your god can't fix it, your god's not omnipotent.)
  47. Would it disturb you if the President prayed to God through his hair dryer? Why?
  48. What's the measurable difference between praying to your god and praying to this jug of milk?

  49. When stoning an unruly child to death as Biblicaly commanded, is it more or less ethical to aim for the head to try to end things quickly, rather than dragging it out?
  50. Could God make a Hot Pocket so hot He couldn't eat it?

  51. Why won't God heal amputees?
  52. Who would win in a fight between Cavemen and Astronauts?
  53. Who is more awesome - Spike or Angel?

  54. Why do you fear Dungeons and Dragons? The D6 will not harm you. (Ha, I love the internet age. My geekdom knows no bounds.)
  55. Is lying for Jesus okay?
  56. How about lying for your anti-gay agenda?
  57. Why is it okay for God to pick favorites?
  58. Who would Jesus feed?
  59. Why doesn't he?
  60. Why are there more churches than homeless people in the US? (Rather, with all that tithe money, why do we still have homeless people?)
  61. For anti-choice Christians: Where does the Bible say anything about abortion?
  62. Why don't bees go to heaven?

  63. What the hell are you doing talking about Revelation? Don't you know it's heretical?
  64. Are the Phelps family following God's commands better than you are? (Biblicaly speaking, Yes. They are better Christians than you. The may be many detestable things, but they aren't hypocritical like most Christians.)
  65. Why do Christians get divorced at a significantly higher rate than atheists?
  66. What's the deal with iron chariots?

  67. What is your favorite color?

  68. Where do you get your morals from?

  69. Now that we've ruled out the Bible as a legitimate source of morals, where do you get your morals from?
  70. Is faith a virtue or a vice?

  71. Is God's plan a good one?

  72. Was the Holocaust part of God's divine plan?
  73. a) If yes, how can you call him good? (I hope that's a poe.)
    b) If no, how can you call him god?
  74. Did Jesus lead a sinless life?
  75. Well, what about working on the Sabbath?No, not that time. This time he violated the Sabbath law.
  76. And what about the fifth commandment?

  77. How was Jesus different from a cult leader?
  78. Why foreskins? (Seriously.)
  79. You probably find this song offensive, but is it scripturally incorrect? (Or: Could it be supported by scripture?)

  80. You probably find this quote from Richard Dawkins offensive, but is it scripturally incorrect? (Or: Could it be supported by scripture?)

  81. Did God get his butt kicked by Jonas Salk?

  82. In a natural disaster, would you rather have a true believing Christian on your side or a lifelong atheist?

  83. If I told you that natural disaster was Hurricane Katrina, and your choices were between President GW Bush (Christian) and Brad Pitt (atheist), would that change your answer for the previous question?
  84. The Bible says it's an abomination for a man to lie with another man as he would with a woman, but is it okay for a man to lie with a woman as he would with another man?
  85. What does God think about marriage?
  86. When you say "Biblical marriage" which of these eight kinds are you referring to? Or which of these kinds?

  87. Is polygamy (like some Mormons and some Muslims live by) sinful?
  88. Then why is it promoted in the Bible?
  89. Why did God design our eyes so poorly?

  90. How can I get a job making millions of tax-free dollars for pushing people?

  91. Why do we crucify ourselves?

  92. Why did God create the dinosaurs (and/or plant their bones to fool you and/or allow Satan to do so)?

  93. What do UFOs have to do with Christians?
  94. Why did God create such a vast universe that we've barely begun to study it, just for us?
  95. If we really are living in some contrived alternate universe like in the Matrix, which is the ethically correct choice - the Red Pill or the Blue Pill?
  96. If you were present at Calvary, and knew everything you know about our world and Christianity today, would you try to save Jesus' life, or let him be tortured to death?

  97. Shouldn't Christians be thankful for Judas Iscariot?
  98. What are you so afraid of?
  99. Who is a true Christian?

  100. After honestly answering the last 99 questions, do you still consider yourself a Christian?

Special thanks to The Secular Thinker, Mary Wood, Rick, Paul Lundren, Jennifer W., Walter Strong, Dave Rogers, and Atheistic.ca, for contributing questions. We did it!