Roles: Part One

I was the perfectionist who never tried. My grandmother had almost Calvinistically predestined roles for each family member to fill; my aunt Sally was the "sick one" she could baby; my mom was the "dependable one" she could manipulate and exploit; my brother was the "disobedient one" she could take out her anger on; my sister was the "good one" she could show off as an example of her superior parenting; and I was mini-Gig.

It was fairly easy to see the damage she was doing to my brother David. He acted out in his misery and anger, and go kicked out of multiple schools for bringing weapons and building bombs. He would fight me physically sometimes, and I would lose pathetically. But at other times, he defended me from neighborhood bullies and, in his scapegoat family role, he took a lot of the abuse from Gig away from the rest of us.

Likewise, my sister Esther was clearly affected. She was an obvious people pleaser at a very young age, and I remember her crying and screaming the day she got a "B" on her report card in second grade. She vowed to never get another "B" again. She didn't. But for the matter of an odd weighting system, my sister would have been valedictorian of her high school (instead she was a straight A salutatorian). My mom saw my sister's perfectionist tendencies and recognized them as a burden she dealt with also. I think she was able to directly refute some of the messages Gig was giving my sister, and I think it probably helped.

I was the perfectionist who never tried. I was supposed to be supernaturally good like Esther, supernaturally smart like David (who was already fixing home appliances and electronics in elementary school), and be supernaturally spiritual like Gig. As a child I always felt this tremendous pressure, not to live up to my siblings, but to live up to all the adults in my life. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my ten years on earth because I couldn't contemplate ever being as successful (or more successful) than them. So I didn't try. I could never be as good as Esther, and frankly, the effort to reward ratio looked pretty crappy. Esther didn't get grounded and spanked as often as I did, but she spent hours doing chores or making other people happy, while I largely watched TV and played in the backyard between punishments.

My Christian teen years, I felt so isolated from the other youth group members. None of them had sex, or at least not as young as I did. None of them did drugs, or at least not as often as I did. At the time they looked like prep school elitists to me - there was no way trailer park Angie would be good enough for them. So I found ways to make people like me without being good enough. I was never the friend with a lot of cash to spend in high school, but I had a car and I had big ideas. I could find something for us to do, even if it was just playing "Soup!" and confusing all the pedestrians. But like with my own family and my sister, I felt I could never impress God with my goodness, because there would always be people who wore holier, sweeter, kinder than I was, or else more maternal or domestic or womanly, or more obedient, devoted, and reverent. I was loud, sometimes extremely socially awkward, with undiagnosed mental problems, and a lot of drug use. There's no way I could get on God's good side based on my behavior compared to the ideal of Christian youth I'd been presented with for years by Focus on the Family Brio! subscriptions (the vapid and vacuous teen girl magazine).

The "Ask Holly" section never included real pertinent questions like, "Am I still a good friend if I narc on someone who looks like they might have ODed?" or "My period is two weeks late - what do I do?" The questions were always so theologically simple I could have recited responses in my sleep. "My brother is a jerk sometimes, but I know God wants us to love everyone. How can we get along?" I doubt the girl who wrote that long-ago letter (or more likely the Dobson intern who did) had a brother who karate kicked her in the head or threw her into coffee tables. If she did, then the crappy advice about praying, submitting, and talking things over with her parents probably didn't do her any good.

For all that I was "sinning" my ass off, I voluntarily went to church each week and my mom was largely willing to go with denial as her choice response to my actions. Because my rebellion appeared contained, unlike my brother's sometimes frightening pain, and because I didn't show signs of overt people pleasing, my mom believed that the close relationship I had with Gig was beneficial. But rebellious and obedient - the two roles my siblings had been assigned - were both obvious when manifested. I spent years desperately trying to figure out what my family assignment was, and finally deduced that I was chosen to be spiritual. Since being spiritual didn't involve being good, for Gig or for me, I didn't have to follow rules. I didn't have to get good grades - I wasn't the smart one. I didn't have to dress the way she likd - I wasn't the pretty one. I figured out exactly how much was required fo me, did that as perfectly as I could, and didn't even try anything outside that scope.

So I became as spiritual as I could, which really means that I believed in as many fairy tales as I could, with the most intensity I could. I believed that demons were at warfare with Christians and that I had been chosen by Gig and God to do battle against them. I believed that I had the power to heal people through my laying of hands and my words of prayer. I thought that if I could just say the right phrase, or the right trigger word, I could get God to move in amazing ways in my life. I spent hours, smoking joints and reading the Bible, trying to get as close to God, as close to Gig, as possible.

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Demons and Deliverance

(I recommend catching up on the highlights from Demon Busters 1 & 2 for background.)

Being told your demon possessed isn’t exactly flattering. In a way, it was very much like being told by my mother in my teen years and my husband during my pregnancy, “You’re just hormonal.” It’s saying your perceptions are invalid and your complaints unimportant. There is something wrong with you and that’s why god's promises don't seem to manifest in your life.

My grandmother was a great believer in demonic activity and possession and, unlike hormones, having a demon was often your fault. All kinds of things could let demons in – having insufficient faith in God, listening to secular music, watching certain TV shows, engaging in hedonism, reading about witchcraft or other religions, or soul ties. A soul tie is an evil spiritual connection with another person, and it was impossible not to acquire these.

You got them through the bloodlines in the form of generational curses, from every person you’d had sex with and every person they’d had sex with (sort of like an STD), from any doctor who touched you, and from anyone you’d ever “broken bread” with. I met a girl on the farm who took this last example to such extremes that she believed that if you ate popcorn in a movie theater you had formed a soul tie with – and acquired the demons of – every other person in the theater. She refused to eat in restaurants or at picnics, concerned that with each bite of food, she risked becoming more and more possessed.

Once a demon had you, it could ride along inside your head, tempting you to all manner of wickedness, and it could case you illness or injury. The only way to rid yourself of these demons was through “deliverance.” Abiding Life was a deliverance ministry and for each of the three consecutive weekends I was on the farm, I attended deliverance sermons at the church.

These would begin on Friday evenings with a sermon on the dangers of demon possession and the absolute certainty that every one of us in the pews was infested with these spiritual vermin. We each received a packet listing all the ways we could become possessed. Then for each item on the list we were supposed to detail each example we could think of. These crazy, scary strangers wanted me to write down for them the name of each boy I’d kissed, blown, or screwed; every person at any party I’d attended where drugs or alcohol was present; every secular song I’d ever listened to; and any non-Christian book I’d ever read.

At the time I thought it was ridiculous. Surely God didn’t need this level of detail. If I just said, “Lord, please break all the soul ties from any boy I’ve been with, and rid me of demons from any books, TV, or music,” he’d know what that meant. And what if I forgot something? Would God leave behind a demon if, despite my best efforts and intentions, I neglected one song or one kiss?

Now I know the true purpose of these lists was to shame us. Look how long my list is. See how wicked and secular I’ve been? Surely, I am covered in filth, and unworthy to be in God’s presence. What a miserable wretch of a sinner I am! You have to first convince people they have a problem, before you can peddle your snake oil cure.

Saturday morning we returned to the clapboard country church for hymns and prayer warfare. We sinners held our folded lists of sins in the air as Geri prayed out against the influence of demonic forces. She prayed in painstaking detail, “against sexual immorality, lust, erotic literature, filthy and unclean thoughts, impurity, unchastity, prostitution, petting, kissing, incest, oral sex, sodomy, and abominations of the flesh.”

She prayed each such list, out loud, multiple times. If she’d gone by simple categories and named each thing only once, it might have taken an hour. As it was, we were there – praying, moaning, crying, and begging for forgiveness – all weekend long. As she prayed, her deputies would roam the aisles looking for someone “in struggle,” either crying too much or not enough, and bring them to the front of the sanctuary for the laying of hands.

I was brought to the front as Geri’s voice carried on in the background, her litany of our transgressions. An overweight, illiterate former prostitute, her son, a “cured” lesbian, and three farmhands touched me. They babbled incoherently, speaking “in tongues,” and began to gently push me around, bouncing me from one person to the next, trying to rouse the demons inside of me. For an hour they did this, as I cried and begged God to make me clean, make me not a disappointment to my family, make me acceptable in His sight.

But the demons wouldn’t come. I began to doubt, in the quiet corners of my mind, that these people had any idea what they were doing. None of them had any great theological experience, and with the exception of Geri, none even seemed to possess either knowledge of the Scriptures, or a charismatic weight of authority. Tired of standing on my feet, I realized they would not stop and let me go until I gave them some sign that their efforts had worked.

So I began to fake a seizure. I quivered and quaked and shook and babbled as if I too was speaking in tongues. I fell down upon the church floor, writhing and wriggling, and their prayers got louder and faster in response. Finally, after several minutes of this, exhausted, I lay still. They clapped and cheered. They had cast the demons out of me, or so they thought.

It was emotionally manipulative, physically invasive, and a complete waste of time. But at the end of three weeks of this, I was allowed to return to my mother’s house.

Image credit to the artist Dale GrimshawY for his piece "Exorcism 2"

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Demon Busters: Part 2

Back to the snark. (Original snark can be found here!) I guess I ought to explain why I'm calling this series "Demon Busters". It's because that's what shows up in the bottom of my browser window when I'm on their site (JesustheDeliverer.com). Of course, this reminds me that when I lived with my grandmother, I wasn't allowed to see the movie "Ghost Busters" because ghosts are demons, and demons are evil; ergo, "Ghost Busters" is evil. (Never mind that the title characters fight against supernatural baddies. This is the same woman who wouldn't let us watch Care Bears.)

Anyway, onto the rest of the "FAQs". Yesterday we got through the "explanations" for why poor health, lack of prosperity, depression and "clumsiness" are all caused by demon possession. Let's see what today's cockamamie has in store for us.

• Do you ever think thoughts that you feel are not your own?
• Do you ever say or do something that you didn’t mean to, and felt like, “The devil made me do it?”

Here's the insidious part of the whole Deliverance mindset. Leaders use "the demons made me do it" to distance themselves from their own crimes and moral shortcomings (think C Street). At the same time, lay people are entirely dependent on the deliverance counselors to keep them safe from invading thoughts, depression, "clumsiness", and - as you'll see later on - UFO abduction. (Yes, really.)

Demons manipulate our mind, our will and our emotions. They plant thoughts in our mind that will make us confused, and if we believe that those thoughts are ours, we might even act upon them (i.e. women who hear voices telling them to kill their children).

Ah, there's nothing quite like demonizing women with Post-Partum Depression! After all, it got Tom Cruise some (bad) press. And while I think it is important not to believe everything we think (ie, "Those people are talking about me") this kind of advice is what led me to think I was schizophrenic as a child. I never knew whether any given thought in my head was mine, the voice of Satan or a demon tempting me, or the Lord. This kind of thinking leads to insanity.

• Do you ever feel that you’re powerless to break off a destructive relationship – like, you just can’t do it - even though you want to or need to?
• Or, if you have ended the relationship, does the memory of that person frequently haunt you?

Ah yes, because pining after an ex is clearly a spiritual, rather than emotional, matter. And the only destructive relationship I'm thinking needs to be cut off right now is anybody's association with these Demon Busters.

• Do you ever strike your children or scream at them uncontrollably – but you really love them – and wonder why you are behaving this way?

There's nothing that Satan likes better than provoking family and marriage problems. In the case of children being abused, there might be demons both in the parents and the children that play on each other to provoke the abuse situation.

The abuse "situation". Notice how the words "abuser" and "abused" are left out? It's an abuse "situation". I love how the parents have zero responsibility for the abuse, as it's just demons in both the parents and kids fighting with each other! (I was raised and beaten by a woman who thought this way. Other children don't survive.) Notice also that things like therapy, family counseling, parenting classes, anger management, and psychotropic medication for the parents is not suggested. Nope, just casting out mommy and daddy's - and Junior's! - demons. You know, to stop the "situation".

• Do you ever feel that your wife wants to control and manipulate you and put you down? Do you ever feel that your wife wants to rule the roost, and you feel out of place in the marriage?

There's nothing that Satan likes better than provoking family and marriage problems... In the case of a controlling wife, what is working in the marriage is a demon called Jezebel. If the husband doesn't mind the wife controlling and manipulating, it's because he is overcome by a spirit called Ahab (see I Kings 21:25).

Feminist outrage... Commence! I guess equality is not a Christian family virtue.

• Are you a Christian who wants to live the way God wants you to live, but can’t seem to do it? Do you feel compelled to do things you know you shouldn’t do?
• Have you ever had a good Christian friend “pray” for you, but you really haven’t seen any results?

Well in the first instance, since Christianity operates by placing people under impossible standards and then crushes people with guilt for failing to meet these standards, I'm guessing most Christians would answer "Yes" to that question. I'm not guessing that these Christians are all demon possessed though. They could just be pissed off that their natural human desires for sex and companionship are thwarted and shamed by their religion. In the second case, as I've stated before and I will again, intercessory prayer doesn't work.

• Jesus told His disciples to preach the gospel, heal the sick, raise the dead and cast out demons. It was ONE command to do the four things. When the gospel is preached, both healing and deliverance need to be ministered. A Christian that cannot live the way He knows God wants him to live needs deliverance from the demons that are compelling him to think and do wrong.

Hang on a second here, if all four of these commands are so viatlly important, why can't I find anywhere on this website where they have examples of raising the dead? Or healing amputees? Oh that's right! Because God is imaginary. (Silly me.)

• Do you suffer from nightmares? Have the popular horror movies you’ve watched had an effect on your personal peace?

Ah yes, let's not forget to blame Hollywood (it's almost as much fun as blaming Canada).

• Have you ever had weird or surreal or scary things happen in your bed or your bedroom while you’re trying to sleep?

No, but now that you've planted that fear-mongering idea in my head I just might.

Emotional traumas open the door for demons to invade. When a child watches a horror movie, he is opening himself up to receive demons of fear . Demons of fear will provoke nightmares. Furthermore, if a person gets involved in the occult, it opens doors for apparitions and for poltergeist demons to act in the household. Poltergeist demons like to move objects around, make noises and make objects appear or disappear.

Again folks, I am not making this up. This is in the FAQs page of the Demon Busters' own website. I heard the phrase "open the door" a lot. Pretty much anything that's fun (music, friends, movies, TV, books, other cultures, ideas, language, and sex, obviously) was the kind of sin that "opened a door" for a demon to attack you. (In other words, having a demon is your own fault - you left him in with that wide open door.) Also, poltergeists?

There's a whole bit about feeling lonely or rejected, visiting a medium, witch, or palmreader; and participating in (or being related to people who participated in) withccraft or voodoo. Basically, they're crazy people who blame demons for all of that. (But I wanna get to the truly insane stuff.)

• Losing your mind?
• Have you spent thousands of dollars in counseling or therapy but not ever really seen any of the behavioral changes or results you desire with your life?
• Do you feel like your life is out of control? Do you feel like you're going crazy sometimes?

Gee, seeing a therapist or psychiatrist might help you deal with those "crazy feelings", but wouldn't a bit of magic hocus-pocus be more dramatic?

Demons attack your mind and speak to your mind. You might think you're hearing voices or thinking unusual thoughts, but it is the demon speaking to you and giving you confusion. You need deliverance of these.

This is dangerous teaching. There's been religious violence perpetrated by the mentally ill more than once just this year. People who hear voices need psychiatric help, not deliverance.

• Do you ever have unreasonable fears or worries that constantly plague you?

Yes, it's called Anxiety Disorder. Fortunately, now that I'm not in a mind-control cult, I have access to medication and information so I can make better dietary and lifestyle choices, to manage my anxiety (exorcism-free). Also, being constantly on the alert for an "open doors" or signs of demonic activity in your life will encourage feelings of paranoia, fear, and anxiety. It's like living in a horror movie, with that constantly tense music playing in the background.

• Are you a woman who just can't conceive a child, no matter what you've tried to do about it?

Ah yes, fertility difficulties as curse from the blessed Jehovah. I was molested as a little girl, and overheard the doctors speculating that I might never have kids. I always felt like a second-class citizen among women because of this. (Well, until I found out I was a 22-year-old *moron* who was 4 months pregnant without realizing it. That sort of changed things for me.) But the suggestion that it is a barren woman's fault she has no children is definitely propagated by the Bible.

• Are you afraid that your infant might suddenly die from “crib death”?

Well, I wasn't until you planted that idea into my head. Notice that the tone of the whole piece (the supposed FAQs) has been one to increase fear, worry, and a sense of uncertainty. It's a big, bad scary world, and the demons are out to get you! (And the aliens, but more on them soon.)

• If you have a child, is he or she out of control and impossible to manage? Is this child making you miserable with his or her behavior problems?

Aw, can't you just feel the love? I think parents are often frustrated, angry, or even feel like they're going crazy when it comes to their kids. But saying that you child is "making you miserable"? And notice how it's not the parent's job to help their child make good decisions, and behave in a way that leads to success in life and society. No, it's the child's behavior making the parent "miserable". This tone of "kids suck" continues throughout, especially in the section "For Teens".

Children inherit demons while in the womb as a result of their ancestors’ sinful activities and need deliverance just like adults (demons may be a cause of birth defects, stillbirths, etc.). They need to have the curses broken and the demons cast out. The behavior problems of children many times are due to demonic activity in their lives.

Wow, so along with their "alive-at-conception" souls they get demons? What kind of god would set up such a crappy system?! And way to blow off all medical, empirical findings about the causes of infant death and birth complications. "Blame the demon" - like pin the tail on the donkey, where the whole poster is the donkey's ass. But now we get to my favorite section, the one I've been waiting to share with you. I must clarify that my family did NOT believe the following. But this group does, and so we should mock them (and we will).

• Have you ever seen a UFO (flyer saucer)? Have you ever seen an alien?
• Have you ever been abducted by a UFO or alien?
• Have you ever found yourself to have inexplicably lost time? Or found yourself waking up where you did not go to sleep?

Aliens! UFOs! There's a two page (looooong) paper on their site about alien abductions, and what they mean in a spiritual way.

Many people are afraid to discuss their UFO experiences with other people because of fear of rejection (people might think they’re crazy or hallucinating).

(I wonder why?)

We believe UFOs are real – they’re not UNIDENTIFIED Flying Objects – they’re IDENTIFIED Flying Objects: DEMONS! If you have had a meeting with an alien, you need deliverance. More than likely, you will need occult curses broken and the demons cast out.

I don't even have anything witty to say. This one just mocks itself all over. Still, I feel a need to "play that out" or something. I mean, that's just weird.



Okay, now that we've gotten UFOs out of our system (sheesh)... After a brief stab at "homosexuality and pornography", we get to the "For Teens" section of the "FAQs". (Somehow, I doubt any of those questions are frequently asked by visitors to the site.) For some inexplicable reason, the teen section doesn't use the bulleted list format of the rest of the page.

Have you ever dabbled in witchcraft, played with a Ouija board or Dungeons & Dragons, or experimented with anything occultic? Did it frighten you? Have you felt different ever since? Have you had nightmares or weird/surreal things happen that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about? Do you wish you hadn't touched the occult?

First off *snort* at "touched the occult". It's like, "Aaaaahh! It touched me!" And, okay - major nerd confession here - I not only played D&D in high school, I was a Dungeon Master. I also played Shadow Run, Legend of the Five Rings, and I've been to a couple LARP Vampire games. I am a geek with a corset. And I can't remember any *actual* occult activity going on. In fact, this video expresses the full extent of it perfectly. (And gives me nostalgic lulz.)


"Where's the Mountain Dew?"

Holy crap that's funny.

If your friends have lured you into getting involved in witchcraft, working spells, playing with the Ouija Board or role-playing with Dungeons and Dragons, and you feel different, then you need deliverance.

"Don't trust your friends!" Sowing the seeds of isolationism, extremism, legalism, and bat-shit-build-bombs-in-the-woods craziness. This next paragraph sets a continually dismal emotional tone. As your reading it, monitor your own feelings to see if there's a change.

Do you feel unloved? Do you feel like people reject you? Did or do your parents reject you? Do you feel unworthy? Do you hate yourself or feel suicidal sometimes? Do these thoughts make you feel sad or depressed? Do you long for a time when you can feel good about yourself and be free of those feelings of rejection?

Almost as cheery as a Cimbalta commercial, huh? (The music in those drives me nuts - I gotta turn the volume off. It's just waaaaay too minor key.) But the solution part's gotta be better, right? Right?

Feeling unloved and unworthy, looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking thoughts like, "You're ugly, you're fat, nobody loves you" -- these are thoughts demons are placing your mind. Believe me, they're not your own thoughts, because God made you perfect. You need to be delivered of demons of rejection, self-rejection, depression, despair, loneliness and suicide.

Wow, even in the "cheer up, Charlie" response the author manages to remind you that you feel unloved and unworthy, that you're ugly and fat and nobody loves you, and that you need to be delivered from demons. Almost every single word is a negative one: unloved, unworthy, ugly, fat, demon, rejection, depression, despair, loneliness. Just reading this can make you feel like crap.

Are you addicted to certain drugs or alcohol? Do you feel that the addiction is taking you down a road you'd rather not go on, or ruining your life? Would you like to kick your habit, but you can't? Would you like a second chance to make a fresh start?

If this is something that runs in the family, then it is a family curse that has to be broken back 10 generations or so, and the demons that came with the curse cast out. If you picked this up by yourself because of peer pressure or out of your own curiosity, a demon came into you that won't let you quit. This demon needs to be cast out.

Demon and deliverance beliefs combine all the free-will of Calvanistic predestiny with victim-blaming of a faith healer or psychic. ("Your skeptical vibes interfered with my aura.")

That's the end of the page. So let's see, what all was it again that's caused by demons? Well...

• cancer
• childhood death
• lack of prosperity
• depression
• emotional instability
• "clumsiness"
• bad luck
• voices in your head
• destructive relationships
• beating your kids uncontrollably (don't worry, you can blame part of it on their demons)
• that back-talking bitch wife yeh got there
• inability to live up to Biblical standards
• friends prayers not working for you
• nightmares
• paranoia
• feelings of insecurity
• addiction
• compulsions
• insanity
• constant fears
• poverty
• infertility
• SIDS
• an unruly child
• UFOs and alien freaking abductions
• homosexuality
• lust
• rejection
• loneliness
• despair
• suicide

Wow, thank goodness half-literate fear-mongering isolationists who believe in freaking UFOs have the solution!

And, gentle readers, so that this post does not leave a bad taste in your mouth, I recommend as your unicorn chaser Jesus Dress Up. The blasphemy is delightful and I'm sure you'll have as much fun as I did, putting together my Star Wars Jesus, Valentine's Day Jesus, and BDSM Jesus. (Seriously, it's good clean unholy fun.)

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Demons in the Night

I've had insomnia since I was about 7 years old. I have the kind where it's difficult to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. I've tried just about every trick and technique you can imagine over the years. Lots of exercise, throughout the day; exercise in the morning and cool off at night to keep my heart rate low; exercise at night only; and total couch potato. High fiber, high protein, low carb, low calorie. I've tried meditation and guided imagery, relaxing music, candles, and bubble baths. I've eaten foods to encourage serotonin and melatonin; foods like pineapple, yogurt, bananas, and warm milk. Needless to say, not much has worked.

It's ultimately fear of nightmares that keeps me awake. Going to sleep when my anxiety levels are high just isn't worth it. I could spend the hours tossing and turning, continuing to feel worse, or I could watch TV on Hulu, play sudoku at USA Today, catch up on Atheist Experience and Pat Condel videos on YouTube, join discussions at Atheist Nexus and Ex-Christian.net, catch up on liberal news via Huffington Post and the less liberal AP, or just listen to music while playing on Popcap or Jigzone. Anything but getting caught inside my own brain.

Have I mentioned that anxiety sucks? I've actually got a pretty good handle on it, but trying to avoid the feeling of being anxious is a job itself. I think my anxiety started as soon as I was old enough to understand the word "demon". My childhood nightmares were never boogy men or witches. I didn't even know what mummies or zombies were, because I wasn't allowed to participate in Halloween or read scary stories.

The first time I called someone to my room at night to investigate the creature under my bed, it wasn't a monster I feared (like in "Where the Wild Things Are") but a demon. A shadow moving across the wall, a prickling feeling of being watched, bad thoughts in my head. We weren't allowed to confess to any fear (part of the "Word of Faith" idea - no "negative confessions", so I couldn't really talk to anyone about my fears and anxieties. I'd been taught to fear the world, and it worked, but now admitting that would be the same as spitting in God's eye. I had to ignore my fear away (just like pain, sadness, or any other emotion I had as a child). Kind of not surprising really, I'm still not great at dealing with bad dreams, or thinking about how I feel frightened. It's much more soothing to just keep myself distracted, and the internet is great for that.

And people say religion does no harm. Puh-lease.

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