Epic Bible Stories pt. 1

Go up thou, bald head...



The onnest.

Today's image courtesy of IllustratedBibleStories.ca (Go there, you will laugh. Tell 'em Angie the Anti-Theist sent you.)

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Angie is Blonde

TokBox - Free Video Chat and Video Messaging

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Mixed Tape

You probably know by now how much I like lists. (Check out 100 Questions for Christians, if you haven't already.) Today I'd like to start a playlist for the new Angie the Anti-Theist YouTube channel. Maybe once I get some money together, I'll even get a camera and start doing video posts. For now I'd like to get a couple different playlists I can just post as links in the sidebar, and one of these lists will be for Silly Songs, good godless music that makes you chuckle. It doesn't have to apply to atheism, although bonus points if it does.

First of all, I'm gonna have to have a Mr. Deity playlist. And it would just be wrong to waste all the good standup acts from Blasphemy Day. And obviously there will be Atheist Experience clips (although, since there are so many, I'm going to be picky on these to get the best ones).

So, let me get the ball rolling with these, and I'll let you send me cool links of more good stuff, ok? Stuff like...



Here's a favorite song by John R. Butler, with great clips done by cannibalgourmet.




We like the cheese. We like zeppelins. *snort* It's so stupid it's actually funny. (This is where I feel very much like I'm still the tomboy watching Beavis & Butthead cartoons in Brian's basement. Heh heh.)



Four hundred babies!
Ow. I hurt with laughter. I used to abuse the crap out of energy drinks, like four 16-ounce sugar free Rockstars per day. "Uncomfortably energetic" is right.

And it wouldn't be fun if I didn't have Monty Python. (I had an embarassing crush on John Cleese for awhile in high school. Those silly walks!)



Send me funny things!

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Thin Without

So, you remember when the Christian "study mentor" referred me to a bible-based online fat camp, right? Apparently, they've got communication problems internally, because (without any reference to my first mentor Pat) I've got a new one.

Len used the actual survey answers and responded to each. Most of the responses were "that's right" in nature, and so I've left them out here for brevity. Below is my response to her response to my response to a question. (Question is in black, my original response is in purple, her comments are in blue, my most recent response is in black.) And yes, I did have all those Bible verses linked in the email I sent her :)

Hi Len,

I'll just respond to a few specific comments of yours.

*5: Define a person with true beauty. What does Peter 3:3-5 say beauty is?*
I would define a person with true beauty as someone who is compassionate and generous. That passage defines beauty as "gentle and quiet" and "submissive". That sounds more pathetic and victimized than "beautiful" to me.

Good definition - but what's wrong with gentle and quiet spirit? I know that in this day of equality we scoff at the word "submission". That is because we have swung to far the other way. It does not mean that women are to be slaves. If husbands and bosses were, first of all, submissive to God, then women would not find it so difficult to fall in line with directives of a man. For the sake of order, someone has to be in charge of things. Without it our society crumbles as we see it happening now. As far as importance in God's eyes is concerned the woman is on equal level with the man.

The problem with promoting a gentle and quiet spirit and submission is that it lends itself to abuse - over and over again, across cultures and religions. When groups adopt a patriarchal model, women and children ARE abused. As a children's rights activist and anti-cult activist, I have to tell you that your promotion of essentially "being a quiet non-complaining helpmeet" is *extremely* dangerous! I am trying to get a neighbor to leave her husband right NOW because he is attempting to kill her, but she's so damn submissive and gentle, and such a quiet-spirit and so obedient to her husband that she will probably die before she leaves him. It is *heartbreaking* and it is the kind of work I do everyday helping people make their lives BETTER.

I suggest you read the book "Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement" by Katherine Joyce a very well-researched and well-written book examining the Quiverfull (complimentarian or "separate but equal" gender roles) lifestyle and the damage that it inflicts on the women, children, and even men involved. Here is an article she wrote on the subject for Salon.com

As a single mother who left an abusive alcoholic adulterer, I will say that "for the sake of order" (and probably my life) it was absolutely important that someone was in charge - ME. Equality is absolutely necessary, or else abuse WILL occur! Your god hates a vagina - read your Bible. Menstruating is a sin requiring days of isolation, followed by cleansing and a blood sacrifice. Supposedly God cursed *all women forever* with the pain of childbirth (which is caused by totally natural things, by the way - We ARE products of evolution, after all) because one woman - who didn't know right from wrong - displeased Him one time. He turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt for looking back, but when Lot offered up his virgin daughters to be gang-raped, or when he later had incestuous sex and impregnated BOTH of them, that's absolutely fine. Wanna know how much God thinks a man should be paid if his daughter is raped? 50 Shekels! (Of course the victim gets nothing except she has to marry the rapist - or be stoned to death, depending on where she was when he raped her.) It's all in the Bible. I don't believe the book is true, but if it was - clearly, God HATES women.

And yet you DO think the book is true, and you're trying to tell me that men and women are equal in God's eyes? What could you *possibly* be basing that on? Because it's certainly not scripture.

*6: When are times that you feel like you have no control in your life?*
When my unemployment check gets deposited late and my landlady knocks on my door.

That's scary unsettling time for sure and there could be many others - every time there is a situation that you cannot fix on your own.

Who said I couldn't fix it on my own? In fact, I did - I've ironed out the problem with my unemployment check, and gotten my landlady to agree to a payment arrangement until the balance is caught up. Instead of sitting on my hands, or praying to God, I recognized that there is no Sky Daddy to come kiss it and make it all better, and so I make it better myself. Humanism is incredibly empowering, and much more productive for a happy life than Christianity. I speak from personal experience, but also the experience of the thousands of members of Ex-Christian.net and other deconversion sites.

*8: How do you think God views you? How do you think God feels when you’re harming your body?*
God is imaginary. No real medical doctor should ever ask me what unicorns or gods think of my issues with food.

I am sorry you feel that way but you have a free will to choose to believe or not believe that God exists, but that is a very important topic of its own. We could talk more about it if you wanted to.

God has the free will capability to reveal himself to be, and yet he hasn't. Is this because He wants me to go to hell because I lacked evidence, or does this mean He is imaginary? (Hint: It's the second one.) I know you're probably thinking, "But that would interfere with your free will!" but it wouldn't. Case in point? Lucifer and 1/3 of the angels had *absolute knowledge and proof* of God's existence, yet they chose not to worship him. Clearly, it would be possible for God to reveal himself clearly, and not in some poorly written in-dire-need-of-editing hodgepodge of genealogy, myth, half-truths, parables, and proverbs, entirely reliant on human copying, printing, and translation efforts. And yet he hasn't and doesn't. To me the most logical explanation for why an all-powerful, all-loving god who desired to spend eternity with mankind would not save billions of nonbelievers through this simple gift of knowledge is that he doesn't exist. How do you rationalize your belief in a god there is no evidence for?

And people don't choose to believe or disbelieve the gospel. You can't choose to believe the earth is flat or that lemons aren't tart. You know better. Knowledge impacts belief. I know too much about the brain, sociology, group dynamics, delusion, propaganda, history, and other world religions to ever believe Christianity is true again.

*10: I have the following questions/comments about this study. Also, please pray for me in these areas:*
Are you aware of the term "push polling" and do you see how this "study" does more to suggest that the real cure for an eating disorder is god (who I believed in during the 12 years I was puking my guts up) than it does to actually learn what women think?

To tell the truth, no I did not know the term "push polling" but I researched it and now I know. I don't think that it applies totally to what these lessons are intended for. We did not conduct large polls in order to manipulate people. I will admit we offer the lessons to point people to a resource - God - that many people have not considered for their problems. That applies to problems of many kinds not just this one. You have the option to disregard the evidence, but countless stories are available fom people whose lives and hope for the future has changed for the better because of their faith in God. But it's your choice - we only point you in that direction.

I find it very deceptive that your magazine claimed to be conducting a "study" (really more of a survey) to find out what women with eating disorders thought, when your actual motive was to proselytize. I don't know why Christians think that being deceptive or "lying for Jesus" is somehow morally okay, when it's one of those Ten Commandments your "brothers and sisters in Christ" keep trying to plant on *my* courthouse lawn.

You seem to think I had never tried the God solution - as I stated above I was a Christian (just like you!) while I was unhappy, suicidal, miserable, anorexic and severely underweight. As an atheist, I'm happier, I'm healthier, I take better care of myself and I'm a better mother. Faith in god was the *problem* and knowledge about the real world around us - not the fantasy tales of heaven with streets paved of gold, but this life! right here in front of us, passing us by - THAT has been the solution. I don't want to go to heaven - I want to stay right here as long as I can, and soＩ*embrace* this short, temporal, insignificant life and take it for all it's worth. THAT is the way to deal with problems - by actually dealing with them, not praying and waiting for Jesus to come fix you.

What evidence am I disregarding? To my knowledge, there IS no evidence for God. If you think you have some, I'd be thrilled to hear it (and frankly, so would the Nobel committee).

And as for the personal testimonies - there are Scientologists who will tell you how much Dianetics and the Tech have improved their lives; there are Mormons who will tell you that Joseph Smith was the latter-day prophet of God and they *know* it because they prayed and asked God and he told them that the Book of Mormon was true; David Koresh still has some followers who admire him even now, far from him. I study cults. Personal testimonies of a spiritual nature don't tell us ANYTHING about whether or not what they believe is helping them is actually real or true (or even helpful).

I'm looking forward to your replies.
--------------------

What do you think ATAT readers (Aters? ataters? Anteaters?*) is Len going to write me back?

Place your non-monetary bets below and I promise to keep you updated if anyone from this study/survey/we-just-wanna-point-you-to-god-because-we-think-you've-somehow-never-heard-the-gospel group contacts me again.

And now here is THE best "Jesus LOL" video.

I may have done nasal-cranial damage from laughing so hard at that. *sigh* Freaking priceless. You sing it, Jesus! (Seriously that's going up there with WWJD as one of my favorite Jesus music videos.)

Okay, here's the LMB quote of the day. (By the way, I will keep posting these until y'all let me know you've gone out and requested her books from your library or book venord, mm'kay?) From Mirror Dance, p. 722

She gave him a half-salute and turned away. He puzzled over the look in her eyes, as she descended out of sight down the lift-tube. It wasn't love. It wasn't fear.

Oh. So that's what respect looks like. Oh.

I could get used to that.

* Whatever shall I call you?? Suggest names and I'll let y'all vote on them! There's only so many times I can type "y'all" in a post and "you guys" just seems weird since I have so many female readers. But "readers" sounds totally boring and non-branded so come up with an ATAT reader nickname, please!

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Back to the Future 4?

Not happening. This video was totally stolen from today's Cake Wrecks post.

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God is Love?

I must be some kind of theological masochist, because I do look for things that will piss me off, so I can explain why here, in erudite terms and Monty Python sketches. It's not hard to find objectionable material, illogical assumptions, and bogus claims when it comes to the god(s) question. All I did was search "god's love" and I found the post "God is Love" on AllAboutGod.com. (I sense another series, like the Demon Busters and EveryStudent series.) Let's just dive right in, without further preamble.

God is Love: How do we Define Love?
"God is Love", but how do we define it? The American Heritage Dictionary defines love as "an intense affection for another person based on familial or personal ties". Often this "intense affection" stems from a sexual attraction for that other person. We love other people, or we say we love other people, when we are attracted to them and when they make us feel good. Notice that a key phrase in the dictionary definition of love is the phrase "based on". This phrase implies that we love conditionally; in other words, we love someone because they fulfill a condition that we require before we can love them. How many times have you heard or said, "I love you because you are cute;" or "I love you because you take good care of me;" or "I love you because you are fun to be with"?

First, I have to object to shystery word usage. The dictionary definition of love was "an intense affection for another person based on familial or personal ties" (emphasis added). Yet the author immediately substitutes this concept for sexual desire and physical attraction. I love my best friend Cay. She and I went on crazy hitch-hiking road trips together all around the state of Florida. We have been broke together, lost without a car together, going through break ups together, and loving each other for years. And I have no desire to have sex with her. (You're very pretty, Cay. You're just too heterosexual and female for me.)

The author substitutes intense affection for sexual attraction, and ignores the genuine fondness that can exist between friends. In part because my family was often cold, neglectful, or abusive; and in part because I grew up with a strong sense of group (rather than personal) identity, my friends are extremely important to me. Some have come and gone over the years, but the affection and love I felt for them was real, important, meaningful, and entirely non-sexual in nature. Love between friends can be really beautiful, and the author acts as if this kind of love does not exist.

Also, the phrase "based on" does not indicate that love is conditional (although I think it is). It indicates that love is not based on, for example, "feelings or emotions" or "sexual or reproductive needs"; rather, it's based on "familial or personal ties".

And I would not suppose that anyone who said they loved me for my appearance actually loved me. Unlike the unnamed author, I don't confuse sexual attraction with affection or love. And as for the person who would love me only because I'd take care of them, I would call that parasitism, not love. My ex-husband used to say my best quality was my tolerance; this was a rather bad sign considering what he expected me to tolerate. He did not love me - he showed no affection based on familial or personal ties. I do not equate vampirism with love. Someone who only wants things from you - and does not care for you - does not love you. It's very simple, really. Moving on.

Our love is not only conditional, it is also mercurial. We love based on feelings and emotions that can change from one moment to the next. The divorce rate is extremely high in today's society because husbands and wives supposedly stop loving one another-or they "fall out of love". They may go through a rough patch in their marriage, and they no longer "feel" love for their spouse, so they call it quits. Evidently, their marriage vow of "till death do us part" means they can part at the death of their love for their spouse rather than at their physical death.

Well, obviously someone has a problem with people changing their minds. Of course, sometimes circumstances and information changes, too. For example, when my mom found out my dad had a girlfriend (while she was pregnant with me and married to him), she decided that new information changed the status of their relationship. She may have still loved him, still felt affection for him based on familial or personal ties, yet a divorce was the right move. My own divorce came before my husband could hit me, but after he'd begun to abuse me. Though it is true I feel no love for him now, I did not simply "hit a rough patch"; I realized the entire exercise was doomed to failure, and leaving sooner rather than later would spare my son unnecessary harm and pain.

This unwillingness to look at the various factors that go into a marriage and divorce, and to make the entire thing the contract - the vow, the promise, the "till death to us part" - contributes to the victim-blaming tone of discourse surrounding domestic violence. On the one hand, people say you must be exaggerating, or making it up, or that you're going along with it if you stay; on the other, you're called a quitter and accused of being unfaithful to your word if you go. I decided my son (and myself) mattered more than my vow, and it was undoubtedly the right thing to do. I wonder what this author has to say to women (or men) in abusive, alcoholic, or unfaithful marriages. If you're husband or wife goes to prison for pedophilia you were completely unaware of, are you a "quitter" and just falling "out of love" in a "rough patch" if you decide to get a divorce? Really, the idea that marriage is simply a decision to be faithful to your word is ridiculous and cruel. Marriage involves people, sex, and money, and is therefore never simple.

Can anyone really comprehend "unconditional" love? It seems the love that parents have for their children is as close to unconditional love as we can get without the help of God's love in our lives. We continue to love our children through good times and bad, and we don't stop loving them if they don't meet the expectations we may have for them. We make a choice to love our children even when we consider them unlovable; our love doesn't stop when we don't "feel" love for them. This is similar to God's love for us, but as we shall see, God's love transcends the human definition of love to a point that is hard for us to comprehend.

I have never and would never see my son as "unlovable"! I might be angry with him - I might, in frustrated moments of motherhood, yell at him. But I never stop loving him. And even if I were to, that wouldn't mean he was unable or unworthy of being loved by anyone else. Hitler had two fiancees, okay? My son will never be unlovable in my eyes, even if he grows up to do actions I detest. All people deserve and need love. Some people are broken, and can't give it or get it, but even they aren't "unlovable". I still my love my grandmother, and she broke my brain and killed babies! I still feel affection for her - even as angry with her as I am, and as much as I honestly think the world would be better off if she'd never lived. Based on familial and personal ties, yes, I a godless atheist, still love her. "God is love", my keester. I have yet to see anything "transcendent" about the love of a god who would doom most of eternity to suffer and be tortured for-EV-er.

God is Love: How does God Define Love?
The Bible tells us that "God is Love" (1 John 4:8). But how can we even begin to understand that truth? There are many passages in the Bible that give us God's definition of love. The most well known verse is John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." So one way God defines love is in the act of giving.

God defines love in the act of withholding, not in giving. He wants people to kiss his keester (praise him and glorify his name) and believe his cockamamie story instead of all the other cockamamie stories. That's not love - that's a mind game. Since the Christian has used John 3:16, I'll rebut with my usual - John 3:18 "Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son." (emphasis mine). I think I'm gonna change the ATAT banner quote to this verse. And I was only half-kidding about getting it as a tattoo.

However, what God gave (or should we say, "who" God gave) was not a mere gift-wrapped present; God sacrificed His only Son so that we, who put our faith in His Son, will not spend eternity separated from Him. This is an amazing love, because we are the ones who choose to be separated from God through our own sin, yet it's God who mends the separation through His intense personal sacrifice, and all we have to do is accept His gift.

This is typical apologist "Jesus loves you" cheer leading, but the love shown by God through the crucifixion of his son is not amazing - it's twisted penal substitution from crimes god created us guilty of, and which he decreed were crimes or "sins" in the first place.

Also, I think it's time we address the daddy issues Jesus undoubtedly had. I don't care if you try to say they're the same god - they have a parent-child relationship. And daddy god said son god got to be beaten and scourged and nailed to a couple planks of wood. That's not a model of loving parenting. That's murderous, sadistic, and cruel. It is not love of any definition that actually means love. It does not show intense affection from god toward Jesus. And I think the way someone treats their family tells you a lot about them.

God killed his son. Abraham believed God asked him to kill his son. My grandmother would have used him as justification to call my mother. Why do people worship him? How did killing his son turn into an evidence for his love for all of us? It's not like he had to kill Jesus. He's omnipotent, right? Couldn't he just give us this gift without killing his son? I have a son. I would not kill him for the love of any one of you. It certainly wouldn't be my first choice for ways I could forgive you for wrongs I perceived you had done to me. Substitionary punishment is a wicked concept. Atonement is... removed from natural consequences, from cause and effect, and from responsibility for our actions. Now of course I don't believe gods are real or that I've sinned against any of them. But I think having one person pay another's debt, or get fired for another's misconduct, or be jailed for another's crime is unjust and immoral. It's not "beyond comprehension" because it's so fantastic - it's beyond comprehension how we've twisted ourselves into believing this garbage.

And we did not "choose" to be separated from god through our sin. Read your whole Bible, Christians. The curse, the Fall, whatever you wanna call it - God determined that all humans after Adam and Eve (minus Jesus) would be born with a sinful nature, and already deserving hell and death. (The rather insane ramblings on that linked page look like fun to deal with later, because they've at least got scriptural backing longer than the two verses up ahead.)

Another great verse about God's love is found in Romans 5:8, "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." In this verse and in John 3:16, we find no conditions placed on God's love for us. God doesn't say, "as soon as you clean up your act, I'll love you; " nor does He say, "I'll sacrifice my Son if you promise to love Me." In fact, in Romans 5:8, we find just the opposite. God wants us to know that His love is unconditional, so He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us while we were still unlovable sinners. We didn't have to get clean, and we didn't have to make any promises to God before we could experience His love. His love for us has always existed, and because of that, He did all the giving and sacrificing long before we were even aware that we needed His love.

I like the narrowing down of scripture to make sure it fits the author's case, "In this verse and that other one I cherry-picked, we find no conditions placed on God's love for us." (Of course, if s/he'd just read two verses farther to John 3:18, the conditions on God's love would be obvious.) Further I vehemently reject the idea that I am or have ever been unlovable. I spent my childhood and teen years believing that, and it did me no good at all and quite a bit of harm. Religion teaches, fosters, and creates man's inhumanity toward man, through doctrines and beliefs like this. Of course I don't need to get clean; I am not dirty. I owe nothing to god, and if he exists, he owes quite a lot to me. I upheld my end of the bargain for years and he failed me (or you know, never existed in the first place).

And even supposing God did the crucifix/atonement combo, let's not forget that it was allegedly God who created mankind without the knowledge of good and evil, set up a scenario in which humans were doomed to fail, cursed them and all future generations for that forever, gave each of us a sin nature, and determined the punishment for being born with this nature that he demanded we all be born with. Christians think that it's the devil or the world that has them ensnared, but if we really are born into captivity and sin, it's entirely God's doing. The idea that two infantile creatures could bear the responsibility for every sin ever committed, or the introduction of sin into the world which would then affect everyone for the rest of human existence, is obviously wicked. God often seems to punish the many for the crimes of the few, and I'll be doing a post on that as soon as my brain coughs up enough cool phrases and segues.

God is Love: It's Unconditional
God is Love, and His love is very different from human love. God's love is unconditional, and it's not based on feelings or emotions. He doesn't love us because we're lovable or because we make Him feel good; He loves us because He is love. He created us to have a loving relationship with Him, and He sacrificed His own Son (who also willingly died for us) to restore that relationship.

Let's substitute the word "love" here to show how nonsensical that paragraph really is, with the word "pancakes" (because I haven't had breakfast yet).

"God is Pancakes, and His pancakes are very different from human pancakes. God's pancakes are unconditional, and not based on flour and egg yolk. He doesn't pancake us because we're pancake-able or because we make Him feel good; He pancakes us because He is pancakes. He created us to have a pancaking relationship with Him, and He sacrificed His own Waffle (who also willingly drowned in syrup for us) to restore that breakfast pastry. RAmen."

Obviously, that was over the top, but I wanted to illustrate how "God's love" still hasn't been defined at all. We're being told that it's different from human love, that it's not based on feelings or emotions, and - wait a minute - Straw man! Love was clearly defined as being based on "familial and personal ties" not "feelings or emotions". Again, shystery word usage is the main staple of apologists; it's not like they've got evidence on their side. But this is really my point: The author pretends to have defined love, and hasn't.

The dictionary definition of love seems suitable to me, but the author has spent the entire article so far disagreeing with that definition, suggesting that rather than being based on "familial and personal ties", love is merely physical attraction, or fleeting emotion, or is entirely dependent on what I can gain from another person. To then paint this non-definition of love as the straw man and pit it against 'something better' when god's love is so obviously inferior to what we know love to be, is dishonest. It also renders the word "love" meaningless. If love doesn't mean "intense affection based on familial or personal ties", and no other definition has been offered, then love may as well mean pancakes.

I'm gonna break here for now, and see you all tomorrow. I wish I had better arguments to combat, sometimes I feel like this is the conversation once a theist gets involved.

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Shroud!

I love Italian atheists. Whether they're suing the church for false advertising and fraud or replicating the Shroud of Turin to show how bunk it really is, those are some ballsy nonbelievers. Godless 'em.

From BBC News:

A professor of organic chemistry at the University of Pavia said he had used materials and techniques that were available in the Middle Ages.

These included applying pigment to cloth and then heating it in an oven.

Tests 20 years ago dated the fabric to between 1260 and 1390, but believers say it is an authentic image of Christ.

The linen cloth, measuring about 4.4m by 1.1m (14.4ft by 3.6ft), holds the concealed image of a man bearing all the signs of crucifixion, including blood stains.

Tests in 1988 have been repeatedly challenged, and scientists remain unsure how the image came to be on the cloth.

Scientist Luigi Garlaschelli, who is due to present his findings to a conference on the paranormal at the weekend, said many people believed that the shroud "has unexplainable characteristics that cannot be reproduced by human means".

But, he added: "The result obtained clearly indicates that this could be done with the use of inexpensive materials and with a quite simple procedure."

(Click on the link above to read the rest of the story.) Happy Shroud Day!

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OYG! It's natural selection

This news made me smile. I read the whole article (and I am a skimmer by nature - it's how I go through so many blog posts and articles per day.) Basically, it's a look at how the recession has affected different denominations (and non-denominations) of Christianity, and Jewish synagogues and schools.

They're numbers are going down the toilet, and I for one am *thrilled*. These numbers might not indicate a damn thing about rising secularism, or decreased belief in some kind of creator god or even a personal "relationship" type god. It does mean the churches will have less people-crushing money. You can't spend quite as much time and money telling Africans why they should get AIDS instead of wearing condoms while you're busy paying out sex scandals. (Notice, almost every single mention of the Catholic Church in the last few years has been about the sex scandal. I don't think their reputation is going to recover for another twenty years or more.)

And while Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual, the evangelical churches he used to head as President of the National Association of Evangelicals are looking to have a little less gay-bashing cash sitting around, as they fire clergy and close buildings and schools.



Kind of brings a tear to your eye, don't it just? Also, Roy Zimmerman is a demi-god. (Joss Whedon is a god. Oh yeah, I decided to make up my own pantheon. Feel free to make suggestions for other deity!)

Anyway, here's the final piece of happy I wanted to share with you, and the reason for this post's title

Religious leaders say the next year or so will be key in determining which organizations survive the downturn intact. Even if the recession ends soon, religious fundraisers say the angst donors feel will not lift immediately, prolonging the difficulties for congregations, schools and ministries.

*Contented sigh* I just get happy thinking about them vying for primacy amongst the new environmental pressures, and the ones found fittest being those that survive. It's such a beautiful analogy, I think I'll use it on the next creationist.

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Blasphemy: A Victimless Crime

We got cable the year we moved back to Florida, the summer I was 12. And I discovered Comedy Central and stand up comedy. I've been in love ever since, from going to amateur night at the local comedy club to hanging out in the greenroom with comedians brought by my university. I love stand up. I think it's important and I think it's often really smart and thought-provoking. So, today in honor of my New Favorite Holiday (seconded by Halloween, which I wasn't allowed to celebrate as a kid), here's the best in comedic blasphemy, things which slipped in under my radar and helped to erode my faith for years, as well as new comedians I've found now that I add "and atheist" to my Boolean commands.

On the God question, we'll have none other than George Carlin, HKA. (HKA is my new atheist version of Rest in Peace - "He Kicked Ass". It applies to Darwin, Salk, and Galileo, too.)



On Jesus, we have Mr. Bean (Rowan Atkinson)




"For it was orange." :)

On the Virgin Mary, we have David Cross.



That bitch!

On learning Catholicism at an early age, we have David Allen.



On the Bible and Religious Education class, the funny fucker Ricky Gervais.



His theological equivalent is spot on, isn't it?

On Protestantism and the Church of England, Eddie Izzard.




Magnus Betner is hilarious. And Swedish. Read the captions people, and enjoy the fact that he's delivering this comedy act in front of a church congregation.




Here's a compilation of these guys and more.



South Park and Family Guy have done their parts to contribute to the blasphemous tone of our secular society. (I can dream it's secular, right?)

On Baptism, Brian the Dog.



On the End Times, South Park.




And of course, what's the fun of Blasphemy Day if we don't honor the Blasphemy Challenge? Here's Pat Condell (#1 Comedy YouTube Views in all UK) in his first ever YouTube video.



Let's end this post with a series of Monty Python sketches, every one of them delightfully blasphemous. (I think this has to got be the best holiday EVER!)











"And so as a blasphemer, you are to be stoned to death!" Yet here I am, unharmed.
God 0: Angie 1

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100 Questions

Can you believe it? I've only been working on this post since 7:30 this morning (minus a few meals and potty breaks), and here it is: the completed, embedded, linked, and seriously pondered 100 New Questions for Christians. I've organized the questions into sequences where applicable, and tried to do things by general category (creationism, morality, WWJD, etc.) In other words, just because you read the last post doesn't mean you should jump down to the very bottom of this one. There are new goodies and jollies all through this list. Enjoy!

I do suggest you take a few hours or a few days to go through the whole list. Just about each one has further links or a video with it. These are a mix of absurd things that are fun to laugh at, shameless promotion of totally unrelated things I find amusing, and the questions that I think would have worked for me.

1. If homosexuality is a sin, are gay dolphins sinning?
   
   
   


2. Which is a bigger sin, passing out drunk and naked to be either seen by and/or sexed by your kids OR walking in on your dad while he's passed out drunk and naked, and seeing the twigs and berries?
3. What Would Jesus Do?
   
   
   
4. What would Jesus NOT do?
   
   
   
5. Who would Jesus torture?
6. If god is better than we are, how come we can think up unicorns but he can’t make them?
7. Same with mermaids.
8. Did Jesus have acne as a teenager? Please explain.
9. Why is the Brick Testament the best version of the bible?
10. Why is christian music so painfully square?
11. Is it better to be right or popular?
12. Should god be put on trial for crimes against humanity?
13. What are some contradictions in the Bible? Please list no fewer than 3. (or was it 5?)
    
    
    
14. Why waste Jesus' meager 3 miracle years on earth with petty tricks like turning water to wine and cursing a fig tree?
15. Why not water into scotch? Or bourbon? Or beer?
16. What does God have against pillows?
17. Why is god dependent on human translation efforts to spread his message?
18. Will we have sex in heaven?
    
    
    (Apparently I never get sick of this song - classic for a reason.)
    
19. Will we masturbate in heaven? (This isn't a poe. I know people in this program. *facepalm*)
20. Will we have competitive eating contests in heaven?
21. How many people do you personally know that you think god is sending to hell?
22. Doesn't that just suck?
23. Will we learn new things, write new stories, sing new songs in heaven? (I love this song.)
    
    
    
24. How the heck do you know what heaven's gonna be like? You've never been there!
25. Did teenage Jesus wake up with a boner every morning? (Sent in from a Christian reader - thanks!)
26. Why do you think we have rainbows? (Please say Noah, please say Noah)
27. Are you practicing another religion - going a-whoring - if you do yoga? Meditate? Decorate with feng shui?
28. Have you ever talked back to your parents, or have your kids ever talked back to you? Well, the Bible is pretty clear: it's stoning time!
    
29. If Jesus saves us from sins, shouldn't we sin so his act doesn't go to waste?
30. What if Satan's the good one and you're worshiping the wrong guy, because the Bible led you astray?
31. What is Satan's motive to hurt or harm people, when doing that will only make his opponent more desirable in the Battle For Souls?
32. Will you see/hear/think of your friends roasting in hell while you're in heaven? If not, why not? If so, how could you possibly enjoy heaven knowing loved ones are being tortured FOREVER?
33. Are you familiar with the term "confirmation bias"?
    
    
    
34. If Jesus said you could move a mountain with faith as small as a mustard seed, why do faith healers wear glasses?
35. If Christians can move mountains with their faith, why have mountain top removal and dynamite?
36. For literalists: Why does the Bible have to be interpreted literally to have value?
37. How do you know St. Paul was really inspired by God and not just crazy? What if he turned god's own plan for salvation into something completely different? Could that explain god's apparent personality change between the Old and New Testaments?
38. If god supposedly loves humans why has he killed so many people?
    
    
39. For Catholics/Methodists/Episcopalians: Instead of doing a tiny amount every Sunday over and over, why can't all the priests get together and bless all the water in the oceans into Holy Water once and for all?
40. How do you know if a voice in your head is God, Satan, or your own thoughts?
41. Would you obey God no matter what he asked you to do?
    
    
    
42. For creationists: Should we teach the controversy for all subjects, or just biology?
    
43. Is it really a "sacrifice" to die for a couple days, in exchange for godhood, immortality, and billions of people worshiping you and martyring themselves for you?
    
    
44. How is the torture Jesus suffered at the hands of the Romans (assuming for arguments sake that he did) any greater or more noble or crueler than what the US government has done to devout Muslims and other "enemy combatants"?
    
45. Why is Jesus' story so strikingly similar to those of other messiahs and demigods?
46. Why would an all-powerful, all-loving god allow this kind of global imbalance?>nce? Or this kind? (Remember Christians - if your god can't fix it, your god's not omnipotent.)
47. Would it disturb you if the President prayed to God through his hair dryer? Why?
48. What's the measurable difference between praying to your god and praying to this jug of milk?
    
    
49. When stoning an unruly child to death as Biblicaly commanded, is it more or less ethical to aim for the head to try to end things quickly, rather than dragging it out?
50. Could God make a Hot Pocket so hot He couldn't eat it?
    
    
    
51. Why won't God heal amputees?
52. Who would win in a fight between Cavemen and Astronauts?
53. Who is more awesome - Spike or Angel?
    
    
    
54. Why do you fear Dungeons and Dragons? The D6 will not harm you. (Ha, I love the internet age. My geekdom knows no bounds.)
    
55. Is lying for Jesus okay?
56. How about lying for your anti-gay agenda?
57. Why is it okay for God to pick favorites?
58. Who would Jesus feed?
59. Why doesn't he?
60. Why are there more churches than homeless people in the US? (Rather, with all that tithe money, why do we still have homeless people?)
    
61. For anti-choice Christians: Where does the Bible say anything about abortion?
    
62. Why don't bees go to heaven?
    
    
63. What the hell are you doing talking about Revelation? Don't you know it's heretical?
64. Are the Phelps family following God's commands better than you are? (Biblicaly speaking, Yes. They are better Christians than you. The may be many detestable things, but they aren't hypocritical like most Christians.)
65. Why do Christians get divorced at a significantly higher rate than atheists?
66. What's the deal with iron chariots?
    


67. What is your favorite color?
    
    


68. Where do you get your morals from?
    
    
    


69. Now that we've ruled out the Bible as a legitimate source of morals, where do you get your morals from?
70. Is faith a virtue or a vice?
    
    
    
    
    
71. Is God's plan a good one?
    
    
    



72. Was the Holocaust part of God's divine plan?
73. a) If yes, how can you call him good? (I hope that's a poe.)
    b) If no, how can you call him god?
74. Did Jesus lead a sinless life?
75. Well, what about working on the Sabbath?No, not that time. This time he violated the Sabbath law.
76. And what about the fifth commandment?
    
    
    
77. How was Jesus different from a cult leader?
78. Why foreskins? (Seriously.)
79. You probably find this song offensive, but is it scripturally incorrect? (Or: Could it be supported by scripture?)
    
    
    
80. You probably find this quote from Richard Dawkins offensive, but is it scripturally incorrect? (Or: Could it be supported by scripture?)
    
    
    
81. Did God get his butt kicked by Jonas Salk?
    
    


82. In a natural disaster, would you rather have a true believing Christian on your side or a lifelong atheist?


83. If I told you that natural disaster was Hurricane Katrina, and your choices were between President GW Bush (Christian) and Brad Pitt (atheist), would that change your answer for the previous question?
84. The Bible says it's an abomination for a man to lie with another man as he would with a woman, but is it okay for a man to lie with a woman as he would with another man?
85. What does God think about marriage?
    
86. When you say "Biblical marriage" which of these eight kinds are you referring to? Or which of these kinds?
    
    
    
87. Is polygamy (like some Mormons and some Muslims live by) sinful?
88. Then why is it promoted in the Bible?
89. Why did God design our eyes so poorly?
    
    
    
90. How can I get a job making millions of tax-free dollars for pushing people?
    
    
    
91. Why do we crucify ourselves?
    
    
    
    
92. Why did God create the dinosaurs (and/or plant their bones to fool you and/or allow Satan to do so)?
    
    
    
    
    
93. What do UFOs have to do with Christians?
    
94. Why did God create such a vast universe that we've barely begun to study it, just for us?
95. If we really are living in some contrived alternate universe like in the Matrix, which is the ethically correct choice - the Red Pill or the Blue Pill?
96. If you were present at Calvary, and knew everything you know about our world and Christianity today, would you try to save Jesus' life, or let him be tortured to death?
    
    
    
97. Shouldn't Christians be thankful for Judas Iscariot?
98. What are you so afraid of?
    
99. Who is a true Christian?
    
    
    
100. After honestly answering the last 99 questions, do you still consider yourself a Christian?
     

Special thanks to The Secular Thinker, Mary Wood, Rick, Paul Lundren, Jennifer W., Walter Strong, Dave Rogers, and Atheistic.ca, for contributing questions. We did it!

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*New* 100 Questions for Christians

Let's get this going already, so I can post the permalink to a complete 100 questions in the side bar, okay?

Here's where we stand so far from prior weeks. (New questions and funny links start at #41. But the older ones are funny, too.)

1. If homosexuality is a sin, are gay dolphins sinning?
2. Will there be jello molds with marshmallows in them in heaven? Explain.
3. Which is a bigger sin, passing out drunk and naked to be either seen by and/or sexed by your kids OR walking in on your dad while he's passed out drunk and naked, and see the twigs and berries?
4. What Would Jesus Do?
5. If god is better than we are, how come we can think up unicorns but he can’t make them?
6. Same with mermaids.
7. Did Jesus have acne as a teenager? Please explain.
8. Why is the Brick Testament the best version of the bible?
9. Why is christian music so painfully square?
10. Is it better to be right or popular?
11. Should god be put on trial for crimes against humanity?
12. What are some contradictions in the Bible? Please list no fewer than 3. (or was it 5?)
13. Why waste Jesus' meager 3 miracle years on earth with petty tricks like turning water to wine and cursing a fig tree?
14. Why didn't Jesus write any of his own material?
15. What does God have against pillows?
16. Why is god dependent on human translation efforts to spread his message?
17. Will we have sex in heaven? (Apparently I never get sick of this song - classic for a reason.)
    
18. Will we masturbate in heaven? (This isn't a poe. I know people in this program. *facepalm*)
    
19. Will we have competitive eating contests in heaven?
20. How many people do you personally know that you think god is sending to hell?
21. Doesn't that just suck?
22. Will we learn new things, write new stories, sing new songs in heaven?
23. How the heck do you know what heaven's gonna be like? You've never been there!
24. Do teenage Jesus wake up with a boner every morning? (Sent in from a Christian reader - thanks!)
25. Why do you think we have rainbows? (Please say Noah, please say Noah)
26. Are you pracitcing another religion - going a-whoring - if you do yoga? Meditate? Decorate with feng shui?
27. Have you ever talked back to your parents, or have your kids ever talked back to you? Then this might upset you. (Start at 4:04.)
28. If Jesus saved us from sins, shouldn't we sin so his act doesn't go to waste?
29. What if Satan's the good one and you're worshiping the wrong guy, because the Bible led you astray?
30. What is Satan's motive to hurt or harm people, when doing that will only make his opponent more desirable in the Battle For Souls?
31. Will you see/hear/think of your friends roasting in hell while you're in heaven? If not, why not? If so, how could you possibly enjoy heaven knowing loved ones are being tortured FOREVER?
32. Are you familiar with the term "confirmation bias"?
    
33. If Jesus said you could move a mountain with faith as small as a mustard seed, why do faith healers wear glasses?
34. If Christians can move mountains with their faith, why have mountain top removal and dynamite?
35. For literalists: Why does the Bible have to be interpreted literally to have value?
36. How do you know St. Paul was really inspired by God and not just crazy? What if he turned god's own plan for salvation into something completely different? Could that explain god's apparent personality change between the Old and New Testaments?
37. If god supposedly loves humans why has he killed so many people?
    
38. For Catholics/Methodists/Episcopals: Instead of doing a tiny amount every Sunday over and over, why can't all the priests get together and bless all the water in the oceans into Holy Water once and for all?
39. How do you know if a voice in your head is God, Satan, or your own thoughts?
40. Would you obey God no matter what he asked you to do?
41. Why is the Bible written with so many internal contradictions?
    
    
42. For creationists: Should we teach the controversy for all subjects, or just biology?
    
    
    
43. Is it really a "sacrifice" to die for a couple days, in exchange for godhood, immortality, and billions of people worshiping you and martyring themselves for you?
44. Why is Jesus' story so strikingly similar to those of other messiahs and demigods?
45. Why would an all-powerful, all-loving god allow this kind of global imbalance? Or this kind? (Remember Christians - if your god can't fix it, your god's not omnipotent.)
46. Would it disturb you if the President prayed to God through his hair dryer? Why?
47. What's the measurable difference between praying to your god and praying to this jug of milk?
    
    
48. When stoning an unruly child to death as Biblicaly commanded, is it more or less ethical to aim for the head to try to end things quickly, rather than dragging it out?
49. Could God make a Hot Pocket so hot He couldn't eat it?
    
    
    (You watched it, right? Cause that video has caused me physical damage from laughing at my desk. More than twice.) (I've since moved the pen cup.)
50. Why won't God heal amputees?
51. Who would in a fight between Pirates and Ninjas?
    
52. Who would win in a fight between Cavemen and Astronauts?
53. Who is more awesome - Spike or Angel?
    
    
    (Dear reader, if you are not yet totally enamored with the amazing atheist writer and creator of worlds, Joss Whedon, I pity you. Now go rectify by that by asking the biggest geek you know to help guide you through BTVS, Angel, Firefly, Serenity, Dr. Horrible, and Dollhouse.)
54. Why do you fear Dungeons and Dragons? The D6 will not harm you. (Ha, I love the internet age. My geekdom knows no bounds.)
    
55. Is lying for Jesus okay?
56. How about your anti-gay agenda?
57. Why is it okay for God to pick favorites?
58. Who would Jesus feed?
59. Why doesn't he?
60. Why are there more churches than homeless people in the US? (Rather, with all that tithe money, why do we still have homeless people?)
    
61. For anti-choice Christians: What's the practical difference between a fertilized, non-implanted zygote and the hairs I lost to my brush this morning?
62. Why don't bees go to heaven?
    
63. What the hell are you doing talking about Revelation? Don't you know it's heretical?
64. Are the Phelps family following God's commands better than you are? (Biblicaly speaking, Yes. They are better Christians than you. The may be many detestable things, but they aren't hypocritical like most Christians.)
65. Why do Christians get divorced at a significantly higher rate than atheists?
66. What's the deal with iron chariots?
    

Special thanks to The Secular Thinker, Mary Wood, and Rick for contributing questions last round! Please help me draft the final funny, unique, or oddball questions for Christians. My goal is for us to have 100 New Debates available (instead of rehashing Jepthah and the Flood). So, here's the begging part: Puh-leeeeze leave questions in the comments below, or send over your atheist friends and coworkers to help this out. Once we've got the full set, I'll post it as an easy-link on the side, and also turn it into a PDF that you all can offer on your own blogs, wikis, or sites.

While I wait on that, I'm gonna go be a massive dork on Farmville.

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