Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sarah Palin: A Literary Critique

Sarah Palin's leaving Alaska for a "higher calling". Here for your snarking pleasure, I give you her farewell speech - with commentary.
What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor.
The honor part was cool, but actually being your Governor? That part sucked.
And it is always great to be in Fairbanks.
Check. Fairbanks = always great.
The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here, and one thing that you are known for is your steadfast support of our military community up here and I thank you for that and thank you United States military for protecting the greatest nation on Earth.
Anyone else feel like they just did wind sprints reading that? Oh, wait, what's that? You're not reading out loud in your best Tina Fey impersonation voice? *ahem* I do love the irony of Alaska being the most patriotic state (since even Texas Gov. Rick Perry had to admit he didn't really, actually want to secede from the Union).
Together we stand.
Got it - we're all standing here. No sitters welcome! Real Americans stand.
And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature’s finest show.
Is it a flying roadtrip? Hey! I thought we were supposed to be standing! That's a decidely stationary position, which doesn't allow for road trips or soaring.
Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it’s the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn’t it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?
All I'm going to say is, if it's that cold why did Palin try to reject $288 million in stimulus money for heating?
And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.
Mother Nature: 1 - Alaska pipeline: 0
It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.
So are we the wild life along the road, on the road trip, or soaring under the midnight sun?
Plus, "north to the future"?
That is what we get to see every day. Now what the rest of America gets to see along with us is in this last frontier there is hope and opportunity and there is country pride.
Sometimes quaintly referred to as "national" pride.
And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation, perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics, suggesting perhaps that our best days were yesterdays.
*pant, pant* Okay. When she says "our men and women in uniform" is she suggesting that the federal military forces from or stationed in Alaska are securing "hope, opportunity and country pride"? Because mostly I just thought they did military-type stuff.
But as other people have asked, “How can that pessimism be, when proof of our greatness, our pride today is that we produce the great proud volunteers who sacrifice everything for country?”
So the "proof of our greatness" and the source of our pride is that people volunteer to die for us? So does this prove the greatness of Jim Jones or the Taliban?
Now this week alone, Sean Parnell and I we’re on the, um, on Ft. Rich the base there, the army chapel, and we heard the last roll call, and the sounding of Taps for three very brave, very young Alaskan soldiers who just gave their all for all of us. Together we do stand with gratitude for our troops who protect all of our cherished freedoms, including our freedom of speech which, par for the course, I’m going to exercise.
She's shameless. She tells us about three young Alaskans who have died, then uses their deaths as a means of taking a jab at the media and being all "mavericky". She didn't even mention the names or unit of the soldiers.
And first, some straight talk for some,
See? I'm still campaigning!
...just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence.
What the (mainstream) media is supposed to do is intentionally avoid using power to influence. But since she's a FOX News fan, she might not be aware of that.
You represent what could and should be a respected honest profession that could and should be the cornerstone of our democracy.
"I hate you - don't leave me!"
Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that’s why our troops are willing to die for you.
Now, I have a few friends who are active duty, reserves, or veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. They're great guys (away from a beer funnel) but I'm pretty sure they signed up to protect America, democracy, our freedoms, and college - not necessarily to die for Joe Scarborough or Bill O'Reilly. I could be wrong though - so any vets or service members wanna set me straight, please do!
So, how ’bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin’ things up.
Sarah Palin's Conservative Politics 101:
  • Love troops.
  • Hate media.
  • Use your patriotism to bludgeon fellow citizens.
And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people, and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone.
Or I'll go all Dave Letterman on you!
OK, today is a beautiful day and today as we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness by God’s grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state.
Translation: No one will be happier than I that I got to quit this lousy job midstream
Sean has that. Craig Campbell has that. I remember on that December day, we took the oath to uphold our state constitution, and it was written right here in Fairbanks by very wise pioneers. We shared the vision for government that they ground in that document.
Except the part about finishing my term as governor.
Our founders wrote “all political power is inherent in the people. All government originates with the people. It’s founded upon their will only and it’s instituted for the good of the people as a whole.” Their remarkably succinct words guided us in all of our efforts in serving you and putting you first, and we have done our best to fulfill promises that I made on Alaska Day, 2005, when I first asked for the honor of serving you.
Before I dropped you like a bad habit.
Remember then, our state so desired and so deserved ethics reform. We promised it, and now it is the law.
Having laws is just as good as having governing officials who follow them, don't you think?
Ironically, it needs additional reform to stop blatant abuse from partisan operatives, and I hope the lawmakers will continue that reform.
Ethics are for everyone ELSE.
We promised that you would finally see a fair return on your Alaskan owned natural resources so we build a new oil and gas appraisal system, an is an equitable formula to usher in a new era of competition and transparency and protection for Alaskans and the producers. ACES incentivizes new exploration and it’s the exploration that is our future. It opens up oil basins and it ensures that the people will never be taken advantage of again.
Like they were taken advantage of by the McCain campaign.
Don’t forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution and that’s why for instance last year when oil prices soared and state coffers swelled, but you were smacked with high energy prices, we sent you the energy rebate. See, it’s your money and I’ve always believed that you know how to better spend it than government can spend it. Don’t forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution and that’s why for instance last year when oil prices soared and state coffers swelled, but you were smacked with high energy prices, we sent you the energy rebate. See, it’s your money and I’ve always believed that you know how to better spend it than government can spend it
"Rebates" are allowed - it's only "stimulus packages" that can't be used.
I promised that we would protect this beautiful environment while safely and ethically developing resources, and we did. We built the Petroleum Oversight Office and a sub-cabinet to study climate conditions.
Of course, Palin thinks the earth is only 6,000 years old, so environmental concerns might be beyond her grasp.
And I promised I’d govern with fiscal restraint, so to not immorally burden future generations.
Except, of course, the financial shambles she left for Alaska's current generation.
And we did…we slowed the rate of government growth and I vetoed hundreds of millions of dollars of excess and with lawmakers we saved billions for the future.
Hey GOP 2012! Look, I rejected the stimulus! I have offered my state's future on the alter of future political success.
I promised that we’d lead the charge to forward funding education, and hold schools accountable, and improve opportunities for special needs students and elevate vo-tech training and we paid down pension debt.
I see a list of promises made to kids, and one fulfilled to the elderly. The children are our future!
I promised that we would manage our fish and wildlife for abundance, and that we would defend the constitution, and we have, though outside special interest groups they still just don’t get it on this one. Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership… got to stiffen your spine to do what’s right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you’re going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here’s how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes.
Guess she's still pissed about Ashley Judd's anti-aerial-wolfing ad. Listen, I know (and am related to) plenty of 2nd Amendment advocates. Not one them equates shooting wolves from an airplane with the right to bear arms in self-protection.
Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.
Then maybe you ought to alter your diet to include less NRA-laced items? And by the way, Hollywood? Loves guns.
I promised energy solutions and we have, we have a plan calling for 50% of our electricity generated by renewable resources and we can now insist that those who hold the leases to develop our resources that they do so now on Alaska’s terms.
I love how she keeps posing as if she's (still) in a position of authority. "On Alaska's terms".
So now finally after decades of just talk, finally we’re seeing oil and gas drilling up there at Point Thompson. And I promised that we would get a natural gas pipeline underway and we did. Since I was a little kid growing up here, I remember the discussions, especially the political discussions just talking about and hoping for and dreaming of commercializing our clean, abundant, needed natural gas.
Ah, when I was a little, I used to dream of artic drilling, and of removing the polar bear from the endangered species list. Then my mother would hug me and she would sing, "Drill, baby, drill."
Our gas line inducement act, AGIA, that was the game-changer and this is thanks to our outstanding gas line team, and the legislature adopting this law, 58-1. They knew, they know AGIA is the vehicle to drive this monumental energy project and bring everyone to the table, this bipartisan victory, it came from Alaskans working together with free market private sector principles, and now we are on the road to the largest private-sector energy project in the history of America. It is for Alaska’s future, it is for America’s energy independence and it will make us a more peaceful, prosperous and secure nation.
Because we all know how peaceful, prosperous and secure the oil-drilling nations of the Middle East are.
What I promised, we accomplished.
Accept when I promised to serve out my term. That one didn't count.
“We” meaning state staff, amazing commissioners, great staff assisting them, and conscientious Alaskans outside the bureaucracy - Tom Van Flein, and Meg Stapleton and Kristan Cole, so many others, many volunteers who just stepped up to the challenge as good Alaskans, but nothing, nothing could have succeeded without my right-hand man Kris Perry. She is the sharpest, boldest, hardest-working partner. Kris is my right-hand man and much success is due to Kris.
Poor Kris. This is probably the nicest thing Palin has ever said about her - that she makes an excellent man, of the right-hand variety.
So much success, and Alaska there is much good in store further down the road,
Once I'm out of office
but to reach it we must value and live the optimistic pioneering spirit that made this state proud and free, and we can resist enslavement to big central government that crushes hope and opportunity. Be wary of accepting government largess.
Except the part where Alaskan
It doesn’t come free and often, accepting it takes away everything that is free, melting into Washington’s powerful “care-taking” arms will just suck incentive to work hard and chart our own course right out of us, and that not only contributes to an unstable economy and dizzying national debt, but it does make us less free.
For every $1 Alaskans pay in federal taxes, the State of Alaska gets back $1.84 in federal spending - the highest in the nation. Alaska is deemed a "beneficiary state", meaning it could not survive without the federal government. Kind of makes her seem more whiny and ungrateful, and less mavericky, doesn't it?
I resisted the stimulus package. I resisted the stimulus package and we have championed earmark reform, slashing earmark requests by 85% to break the cycle of dependency on a stifling, unsustainable federal agenda, and other states should follow this for their and for America’s stability.
We need a common definition of "earmark". She (and McCain campaign) uses it to suggest "pork barrel" spending, but plenty of good projects get picked up as riders on other bills. Plus? Alaska got more earmarks than anyone else in 2008, so cutting back wasn't as hard as it might have been.
We don’t have to feel that we must beg an allowance from Washington, except to beg the allowance to be self-determined. See, to be self-sufficient, Alaska must be allowed to develop - to drill and build and climb, to fulfill statehood’s promise. At statehood we knew this. At statehood we knew this, that we are responsible for ourselves and our families and our future, and fifty years later, please let’s not start believing that government is the answer.
See: Beneficiary State. The federal government has *always* been the answer for Alaska - that's why they joined the Union in the first place.
It can’t make you happy or healthy or wealthy or wise. What can? It is the wisdom of the people and our families and our small businesses, and industrious individuals, and it is God’s grace, helping those who help themselves, and then this allows that very generous voluntary hand up that we’re known for, enthusiastically providing those who need it.
Check it: God's grace means keeping rich white people rich and white, and occasionally offering a "voluntary hand up" (as opposed to those enforced ones, when someone MAKES you move into a safer neighborhood, or FORCES you to take a free car).
Alaskans will remember that years ago, remember we sported the old bumper sticker that said, “Alaska. We Don’t Give a Darn How They Do It Outside?” Do you remember that? I remember that, and remember it was because we would be different.
Surely excluding others is the ultimate expression of patriotism, right?
We’d roll up our sleeves, and we would diligently sow and reap, and we can still do this to carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water, with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology. It is what our first people and our parents did. It worked, because they worked.
They worked, they weren't quitters. Not like Sarah.
We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people’s right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people. And we have come so far in just 50 years. We’re no longer a frontier outpost on the periphery of the world’s greatest nation. Now, as a contributor and a securer of America, we can attain our destiny in the promise of our motto “North to the Future.”
See, the pressing issue of our time, it’s energy independence, because there is an inherent link between energy and security, and energy and prosperity. Alaska will lead with energy, we will prove you can be both pro-development and pro-environment, because no one loves their clean air and their land and their wildlife and their water more than an Alaskan. We will protect it.
I find the best place to show my love of clean air and wildlife is from a helicopter, with a high-powered assault rifle. Can't you just see Mother Nature smile?
Yes, America must look north to the future for security, for energy independence, for our strategic location on the globe. Alaska is the gate-keeper of the continent.
Clearly, she's played Risk.
So, we are here today at a changing of the guard. Now, people who know me, and they know how much I love this state, some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state.
Or rather, some are still choosing to cry "bull!" at the reasons she's
And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir (at heckler) that I feel it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical, politics as usual, lame duck session in one’s last year in office.
By this logic, all elected officials should quit mid-term. At least they won't be lame ducks!
How does that benefit you? No, with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that.
Then what did she need the title for? Certainly not to improve Alaska's state finances.
So let’s all enjoy the ride, and I thank you Alaska, and God bless Alaska and God bless America.
I'll give Sarah Palin this - I don't think she's pandering. She really, really buys the Buy-bull. And hey, check out the ethics you learn from that system!
So, as we all move forward together, let’s vow to keep championing Alaska, to advocate responsible development, and smaller government, and freedom, and when I took the oath to serve you, I promised…remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own.
Do grizzlies often abandon their cubs midwinter? Because if so, she's great at keeping her promises. And let's not forget that part of Sarah's plan for smaller government was requiring rape victims to pay the cost of their own DNA testing (in violation of the Violence Against Women Act introduced by now-Vice President Joe Biden.)
And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead.
As long as it doesn't lead to Juno.
Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig…I think I got ‘em all. We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you.
"Lifetime" translates to: 30 months in governor's office.
Our whole big diverse full and fun family, we all thank you and I am very very blessed to have had their support all along, for Todd’s support.
Diverse? I realize that Todd Palin has Eskimo heritage. But Alaska isn't exactly known for its diversity.
I am thankful too. I have been blessed to have been raised in this last frontier. Thank you for our home, Mom and Dad, because in Alaska it is not an easy living, but it is a good living, and here it is impossible to lose your way. Wherever the road may lead you, we have that steadying great north star to guide us home.

Unless of course you get caught outside during the summer; then the sun shines too bright to see the stars.

I realize making fun of Sarah Palin is easy; that's part of what's so doggone goshdarn donchaknow fun about it! And please folks, when 2012 comes around, don't forget this video.


  1. *groannnn* Palin's weird stream of consciousness rambling is so much like the e-mails I get from my boss. One long run-on sentence, rife with misspellings, shitty syntax and psychotic grammar, filling one paragraph, covering every topic she can possibly cram in, with the information you need buried among a choice selection of personal put-downs.

    Oh, but wait...Palin's speech has no information I need...

    Is it Friday yet?

    Thanks for your post. Excellent as always. That and Shatner on the Late Show pegged it to perfection.

  2. To Sarah:

    Two non-vegan comments on "We eat therefore we hunt"

    A) Nothing I have ever eaten has been hunted. I've never heard of anyone hunting cow, chicken or pig. Boar maybe, but not the pigs from which I get my pork roll and cheese. So you're just plain wrong there.

    B) Sarah, if you can understand the logic behind 'we eat, therefore we hunt' why can't you understand the logic behind, 'we're reporters therefore we report on politicians and their spending habits and their children, and it's fair game.'?

    Because like the particular brand of barbecue hockey mom 'oh-well-gee-ya-know' bible thumping gut-thinking conservatives you represent, you only understand logic when it benefits you.

  3. Thanks Volly!

    Billyist, stop making me fall in love with you. An anti-palin and a meat-eating atheist? Be still my heart.

    (I mostly said that to piss of the vegans I got in a fight with on Atheist Nexus - tee hee!)

  4. Is trying to use a shotgun to shoot down Russian jets trespassing in Alaskan airpace a "higher calling"?

  5. @Igor - you win the soda-through-Angie's-nose-funny-comment contest! Ow.

  6. About a month ago one of Andrew Sullivan's readers, in one exquisite paragraph incisively laid bare the ultimate source of Palin's appeal among her devotees and why they don't flinch at the sorts of lies and sophistries you've here itemized:

    "Fundamentalists can recognize a truly audacious and talented liar from miles away. Instead of running the other way, as you might expect, they gather around the powerful liar, for they know that their own lies will be respected and protected by a leader who understands the paramount importance of preserving their whole system of denial."

    Click on my name to read the full quote and my further analysis of it.