Inside Out

Hypergraphia - the compulsive need to write. I've felt so interrupted lately. It's hard to finish a thought or a sentence, much less write a full post. I'm still sad and that annoys me, but trying to pretend like pushing me will somehow make me less sad or stressed or crazy is just nonsense.

My online life is fantastic. If only the rest of my life went as smoothly. I find more and more that I feel most comfortable with either prepared speeches or written communication. I feel like I'm gonna mess up if I say "the wrong thing" and that fear isn't valid for this time and place.

I cut my arm today. I feel like I should be ashamed, but I'm not. I'd originally wanted to slam my head into the wall or cut my left hand off at the wrist. The few minutes it took to pry apart a disposable razor helped me to focus and to calm down. The few quick shallow cuts were more for the sting than anything else. Pain is remarkable for concentration. Sometimes when I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum, afraid of my own overpowering emotions and down on the floor crying like a child, a little pain makes it better.

And I'm scared to eat, yet I'm desperate for comfort food. I can't seem to figure out whether I want to "not care" about my weight and just enjoy chocolate and life, or whether I want to forego the sweets and treats of the world (and a good deal of the appetizers and main courses as well) to be a size zero. And I'm tired of having to make this decision all over again every fucking day/week/month/year/life. The combination of going out (a lot) more and being on new medications has added about 15 lbs and I'm really not happy about it.

And i don't have the energy to be a fun mom; I just want my kid to be quiet and not have needs in the other room (kind of how I imagine my mom thinking of me.) Depression fucking sucks and I feel like there's no way at all he gets this. He says I'm acting distant - depression involves retreating inward. D'uh. He seems to want sanity or civility or something else I can't seem to muster right now. And it makes me feel like a jerk, but I really don't want to go out. I want to hide in my room, lick my wounds, burn off this weight, and write until my fingers bleed.






I love you ALL.

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Angry Rant on Atheists

Fuck Atheist Nexus. I'm done with catty bitches. #outatheist (Sun 25 Oct 11:07 am)

Okay, so I typed that in a moment of anger. A familiar one. It's the feeling I get anytime I'm involved in a discussion on Atheist Nexus. The same five people (you know who you are) continually put words in my mouth, ascribe untrue motives to my action, feign offense at every other word I type, sexually harras me (hey bozo - the fact that you find ME sexually attractive does not mean I want to hear about the size of your penis, your ideas on women in the home, your plan of an atheist uprising centered on freethinking women as Quiverfull broodmares, or how sexy you find me! I. am. not. attracted. to. YOU.)

I think Brother Richard's a great guy and I admire what he's trying to do with Atheist Nexus. I've met a lot of cool people on the Nexus and I hope they'll stay in contact through my blog or by email (angieantitheist@ gmail [dot] com). By no means do I think these five asshats are representative of the whole. But they are mouthy long-winded motherfuckers and I don't go to ATHEIST websites to get stressed out. I can do that just fine on apologetics sites and end time prophecy screeds.

So yeah. Fuck A/N. I'll leave my profile up so people can send me emails or see this note or whatever. If the mods delete it or this post, so be it. I am through. I really wanted it to work out. But the freelance of "don't pick on the white dude!", "let's conquer the world through your uterus", "having to pay child support is just as bad as going through pregnancy/labor/birth so abortion shouldn't be legal until I can quit paying my ex", "meat-eaters are going to vegan hell" and "my life sucks, sob sob, whine and do jack shit about it" I am done.

(Since I try really hard to rarely curse on this blog, I hope my invective indicates just how DONE I really fucking am.)

Roar. And now today's Bujold quote, from Mirror Dance.

It seemed he could trust them, not so much not to hurt him, but to be what they were, what they appeared. He could not at first put a word to it, this sense of personal unity. Then it came to him. Oh. So that's what integrity looks like. I didn't know.

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