2009 Year in Review

I forgot how much the beginning of this year sucked... I'm so glad now that I got laid off, even though I've been really really really really poor the past year. I've gotten to know who I am on some level, and that's priceless for an identity junkie like me.

I can't tell you how amazing this blog experience has been for me - sharing my secrets and my stories with all of you has helped me to forgive myself for what I was most ashamed of. I am human, and it's okay. I helped my baby survive through extreme hardship, with very little outside assistance.

So, here's my year, January to December:

Turned 26 & celebrated 6 months as an atheist
Set up a PlentyofFish dating profile
Went on a series of horrible bad first dates
Continued sleeping with one of my employees
Spent 10 days in jail for contempt of court
Got laid off (not for the sex, though - they shut down my division)
Had car repossessed
Decided to write a book
February through November, tried to have a relationship with my mom
Took 3 months to get approved for food stamps
Shoplifted groceries and diapers
Had to wait till April to reapply for unemployment due to lack of "credits"
Begged, borrowed, stole: somehow kept electricity running
Had IRS refund stalled from February - when I sent in my tax forms - until May
Set up a SugarDaddyforYou dating profile
Started a blog
Spent 6 months battling my ex-bosses for my unemployment benefits
Won the unemployment battle
Took in a Christian preacher's kid, to help her escape the abuse
Got off probation
Got drunk!
Visited an old friend from outta town
Spent a week outta town with the same old friend
Started a social network for cult survivors
Had to deal with unemployment office idiocy & not sending my payments for ten weeks
Set up an OkCupid dating profile
Had my internet turned off; cried like a baby for over an hour (on a date)
Got a boyfriend
Went to the dentist (3 cavities)
Went to my therapist
Went to the dentist (7 cavities, 2 extractions)
Went to a doctor
Went on three medications, four times a day
Skipped Thanksgiving for a family-free weekend trip
Told my mom how I really felt
Upped the medication to five times a day
Got an eviction notice
Slowed down the process a full two weeks
Started a YouTube account
Moved into a nice house :D

Only two left to complete:
Skipped Christmyth.
Celebrated New Years in style



Here's hoping 2010 isn't nearly so rocky!

In honor of the sun rising again after the solstice, the birth of Mithra, the birth of Jesus, the victory of the Maccabees, and the seven principles of Kwanzaa, please consider making a totally not tax-deductible gift to Angie the Anti-Theist via PayPal, or by purchasing a holiday gift from the ATAT Zazzle Store (coming soon!)

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Squinch & Oral Surgery

My first nicknames as a child were "Squinch" and "Nuke". Giggy gave them both to me. She would take our first names and extend them past reason, adding funny sounding morphemes. Then she'd take one of these random extended pieces, and use that as a nickname. For example, a guy we knew named Jared was called "Root", short for "Jaredarooter." A Sara was known as "Sponder", short for "Sarasponder". Nuke came about the same way, (with "nucleosis" added after my given name) but Squinch was a nickname I got for being small.

I remember helping my ballerina aunt move her cigarette-smoke scented scarves and mirors and exotic tropical fish and several persian cats from one apartment to another. I sat in the backseat, over the hump, holding stacks of boxes steady on either side, and a cat carrier on my lap. "Look at her," Giggy commented happily from the driver's seat. "You can just squinch her on in anywhere and she'll fit."

I've been trying to decide when my eating disorders really started. Was it the first time I threw up in 5th grade, when I just wanted to get out of class and wasn't yet concerned with thinness? Was it the first time I specifically took an action - a diet pill, an exercise class, a skipped meal - towards weight control? Or did it start earlier, in my formative years, when I decided the way I was, scabby kneed, tow-headed with bangs I'd cut myself, energetic and smiling, was inherently sinful, evil, and wrong? I think Squinch has something to do with it, but I haven't had the major "click" insight yet that makes it all fall into place neatly in an autobiographical timeline (which would really help make organizing the book easier, if it did.)

I'm about to go have a pudding cup for breakfast, because the thought of chewing after yesterday's dental assault (7 cavities filled and 2 bad teeth extracted - in two hours) makes me want to cry. Plus, I'm not sure if it's a side-effect of the novacaine or the antibiotics, but I woke up puking for about an hour last night. No fun. :( I always feel really odd about throwing up now that I've decided not to be bulimic anymore. For awhile, a few years ago during a prior attempt at health and recovery, I started accidentally-on-purpose giving myself food poisoning, so that I could purge the calories without having to admit to myself that's what I was doing. So now, even though I *really* didn't do a damn thing to make myself throw up, I feel guilty for it. I feel like I benefited from something destructive. Granted, I didn't really eat anything yesterday because my mouth was still bleeding for several hours and the sleeping pills let me knock out for awhile, so it's not like there are any food calories I expelled. I just feel guilty that part of me likes throwing up. (The rest of me is much wiser and recognizes that stomach acid hurts like a mother, and it's what screwed up my teeth in the first place.)

I want to sit down the two overweight women who convinced me I was fat and tell them to fuck off. And I wish I had eggs this morning so I could make soft scrambled eggs with cheese for a gentle-chewing breakfast, instead of jello pudding (yummy though.) I'll try to organize my thoughts for a better post later today. I think the Tylenol PMs are still making my brain all fuzzy. Oh well. I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon to talk about my trouble sleeping. (Boyfriend Dave is concerned I never actually reach REM sleep, with all the trashing about and making funny noises I apparently do in the middle of the night.) Good day, good luck, and I'll do a better post later. Cheers, Anteaters - soon I'll be all better, with healthy teeth, a healthy head, and maybe even 8 hours of sleep in the same night!

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