Choices

Those of you who follow me on Twitter or who I've emailed or called already know, but for the rest of you: My birth control failed, and I am pregnant. I have been in physical pain for days, and I think a certain amount of the emotional distress (read: suicidal depression & panic attacks) I've been under has been caused by hormone fluxes and my body being taken over. I can't *afford* to have all nutritional resources diverted elsewhere, and I'm not ready to be the mom of two kids.

Hell, I'll never be ready for that. I decided about ten minutes after my son was born that he was the only one in the world for me. As it became clear he had special needs, this decision cemented. I honestly believe that being an only child will be the best thing for HIM, in no small part because I feel at least somewhat capable of being a good mom to him, but not of being a good mom (certainly not a great mom) to two special needs children.

There's a list of reasons from personal (I don't want two special needs kids, sorry), to financial (remember how I already lived in a car with one kid? Imagine doing that with no car and two kids. I know I already have!), and health (I don't wanna die.) But you know what? "I don't want to be pregnant" is a *good enough* reason to get an abortion! Really & truly. "I don't want to give you a kidney" is a good enough reason not to be forced into an organ donation that would save another person's life. This is not different, and shouldn't treated as such.

This isn't a secret and this isn't something I'm ashamed of. I'm getting an abortion. It's the right move for me and for my family. And honestly, I can't wait to get it over with and get back to being the writer, speaker, activist, silly, fun, girlfriend, mom I'd like to be, instead of the pissed off incubator I currently am. This is not a child; this is a squatter which could potentially become a child. Or kill me. Maybe even both. None of those are outcomes I'm frankly interested in.

This may sound... cold? At the moment, it's hard to care what anyone else thinks. I know this is the right thing to do in this circumstance, and I won't be regretting this later. I love my son & I'm glad I have him. When I was pregnant before, I *felt* like I was carrying a baby, the little boy I had always wanted. Right now I feel like I have a tapeworm or some kind of horrible infection. Maybe the hormones aren't working right yet or maybe I'm practical.

Whatever last minute doubts I may have had were squashed by spending yesterday in a crowded room (church auditorium, actually) with 600 special needs children, during my son's school field trip. Holy crap, am I glad I'm getting an abortion!

And, just in case it needs to be stated more clearly, you guys know I'm glib but that doesn't mean I don't till feel this stuff. Put on a happy face, right? I'm not giddy about it or anything, but I'm not going to get emotionally manipulated into feeling bad that in the case of Me vs. It, I choose me.

And in case you needed to have it more thoroughly explained to you, this is what I am not willing to go through again. (And not a single pro-life man would either. They just don't have the *ovaries* for that kind of pain.)

p.s. At 6 weeks, a fetus has an eye spot, but no eye. It has the first cells which will become the heart, but no heart. It has no brain or even the beginnings of a brain. It does, however, have a tail. Tell me, is this a person? Does that 2% uniquely human DNA really make a difference in this? Also, please note the size of the scale in this picture (from BabyCenter.com) Am I really going to sacrifice my health and life, my sanity and my body for a cluster of cells (with human DNA, and the potential to grow into human life) about the size of a pinto bean? Answer: No.